Just Call Me Slothy

I have been LAZY today.

For example, dinner was Sloppy Joes and Sweet Tea.

So this video is just perfect for today.
It's also HILARIOUS.  Please watch.
Most of the offensive language is beeped out.
Most.

Wordless....Fragments?

Think I got my Linkys confused?
No, I just have seen so many things on Facebook/Pinterest/etc this week that I wanted to share, so I decided to do that today.

(and technically they're not wordless because there are words on the images...but they're not MY words.)

Seriously.

I only wish there wasn't a spelling error on this =/

LOVE this cat.  Favorite meme EVER.

Yes I am =)

Love Notes: Not just for paper any more.  :o)

Have a fantastic weekend!!

Sweetness, Snark, Silliness, all in one pointless post!

As I sit here coloring my hair, because the greys were totally taking over up there, I decided to share with you some random thoughts floating around my head.
They're lonely in there and wanted out. 

~ Random funny of the day: It always cracks me up when someone comes at me looking for an argument, all ready to do battle, when in fact I don't disagree with the person and therefore refuse to engage.  It's like a deflating balloon.  I picture the person stomping around their house, slamming doors, kicking dirt, trying to vent all that needless anger they had built up.  *giggle*

~ Random vent of the day: Chicks on A Baby Story and other TLC baby shows who say things like "I didn't even consider vaginal birth.  Labor and contractions 'n stuff are NOT for me.  Ugh.  C-sections are the only way to go."
Really irritates this mama who had three C-sections and would have LOVED to have had just one of them the 'traditional' way (preferably ALL of them).
Oh and then that Chick's baby ended up in NICU for 5 days because the fluid was not naturally expelled via vaginal birth therefore he was in severe respiratory distress..........

~ Random Proud Moment: I converted a no-reply blogger last week!  Now I can reply to her comments!  I am ECSTATIC!!!

~ Random Facebook status of the day (from me): "Nature Walks at Home: All fun and games until a tick crawls up your neck. o.O"

One of the prices we pay for living in this beautiful isolated wilderness - ticks.

But they're a small price for this Redneck Paradise....

~ Random "Awww":  I was super-sick on Sunday and Monday.  I haven't been sick like this in over five years.  I caught a stomach bug while babysitting my baby niece, Hayleigh.

When I woke up in the middle of the night and was hugging the toilet, I heard running footsteps coming my way.  

It was this sweet Mama.

She rushed to my side and stayed there even as I lie on the bathroom floor, praying for the angel of death to come swiftly (hey, it had been years, I was a little dramatic).  

She and this guy kept me company throughout the next two days that I spent in bed.

They are quite a pair.

I wuv them.

Have a Random Day!!

Sophie. Rhymes with TROPHY.

I have some wonderful bloggy friends who know me TOO well.  One of them shared this on my Facebook wall yesterday, and I knew immediately it was going on the blog.

If you've ever seen Toddlers & Tiaras, you will appreciate this.  It's HILARIOUS and totally worth watching until the surprise ending.

Enjoy -  and thanks Amy!

Literally

lit·er·al·ly

 

adverb

1.

in the literal  or strict sense: What does the word mean literally?

2.

in a literal  manner; word for word: to translate literally.

3.

actually; without exaggeration or inaccuracy: The city was literally destroyed.

4.

in effect; in substance; very nearly; virtually.

Literally set my house on fire this weekend.  My kitchen has very little cabinet space.  In desperation while moving in, I put a few dishes in the oven.  Including large plastic bowls.  I haven't cooked much lately.  Then this weekend, I decided to make a delicious chicken dish.  In the oven.  And turned it on to preheat.  With the dishes still inside.  Came back into the kitchen a few minutes later to hear a strange sound.  That sound was FIRE.  In my oven.

Literally used a fire extinguisher for the first time in my life this weekend.  The fire would not be fanned out and I didn't have any flour (told ya I haven't cooked much lately).

Literally got my feet ran over by an old lady with a walker yesterday.  Retirement villages are dangerous places!  And old people are very impatient.  I could insert a joke here about WHY that may be, but you may not appreciate my dark humor.

Literally cringed when I saw THIS:

No, no, NO!!!!

Literally snorted while watching THIS:

Happy Tuesday, Y'all!

Sexy Chick

I had an absolute blast today.  Hayleigh, my niece's 3 month old baby (can you believe she is THREE MONTHS OLD already?!?!), wasn't feeling well.  Heather had to work today, and her husband DJ, the new daddy, didn't want to take Hayleigh to the pediatrician by himself.  I had the day off, so my mother and I went with DJ to the doctor's appointment.

Now, my mother is very....proper, I guess you could say.  She is 69 years old and has probably never said the word 'fart' in her life.  There are certain things that, she believes, one should not discuss.  Most of us know this and are pretty good about what watching we say in front of her.

(My Mom & I talking.  Definitely NOT about farting, pooping, or sex.)

DJ, however, loves nothing more than to say things to my Mother just to get a reaction. 

 It infuriates my mom.

It makes me HYSTERICAL.  I literally laughed until I cried my makeup off today.

But the best part of all was this: my mother got a new-to-her cell phone today.  It was used but it's nicer than the one she has.  DJ was setting it up for her and discovered that the previous user had downloaded several ringtones.

Heh. Heh. Heh.  He started playing them and asking my Mom which one she wanted assigned as her ringtone.

I wish I could remember all of the songs that were played.  They were mostly hip-hop.  One of the standouts was "Riding Solo".  I kept picturing my 69 year old gray-haired mom pushing her shopping cart around Walmart and her phone suddenly playing "I'm ridin solo, I'm ridin solo"...can you imagine the reaction of the other shoppers?

But when we heard this song, we knew it was the one.  After I caught my breath again after laughing so hard I almost vomited, DJ and I decided (to my mother's utter mortification) that this was the song that my Mom absolutely HAD to have as her ringtone*.

 

*No, we did NOT actually assign that ringtone, as much as we wanted to.  My mom kept saying "You better not!  I won't use that phone if you do that!"  But oh, how I wish we could have.

Now She Blogs

Pretty much, yeah.

That's quite a welcome...

Obviously, I can't tell you any detailed information about my job, for patient privacy reasons.

But I will throw out a few tidbits that don't violate anyone's privacy.

Like how my day started out this morning with my new client.

I'm going to call her Ms. J. And I'm going to tell you that she is terminally ill, and has some confusion. When I walked in this morning, she immediately remembered me and even recalled my name. Then she told me that something weird was going on, and mentioned that Sex in the City was on the TV. I confirmed that yes, it was indeed Sex in the City. At which point she got up and yelled down the hall to her daughter, who I'll call Sue.

"SUE!! Cyndy is here and there is p0rn0graphy on the television!!!"

That's maybe the best opening line of a new job EVER.

Also, she was very concerned with making sure I got paid properly. She was asking a lot of questions about it, then suddenly said "Do you know what I want you to do with the money you make today?" and I said "What's that?" and she exclaimed with delight, "Buy yourself some ice cream!"

It was SO cute. And although I won't actually get paid until Friday, I did indeed buy some ice cream tonight, because....well, who needs a reason to buy ice cream?!

P.S. I'm pretty sure they serve Publix Premium Peach Cobbler ice cream in heaven.

Stuff My Parents Say

My parents are unintentionally hilarious. My dad is 75 years old, and quite a character. He is odd. Strange. Unique. My mom is 68, and she is quirky and funny too. She is also easily embarrassed and kind of proper. As a child we were not allowed to say "Fart" or anything related to it.

So I thought I'd share a few stories of my parents with you.

• At our new house, we have a workshop that is fully wired for electricity, climate controlled, very nice. So my dad called my husband to the side, glanced around, and quietly said, "You know what you need to watch out for? Those pot-smokers. Those pot-smokers would love to have one of their pot-parties in that workshop. So keep that thing locked so those pot-smokers don't get in!"
• 
  
• We went to a Gator baseball game last week with my parents, and I talked my Dad into buying me some popcorn. He comes back, hands me the bag, and says "You better enjoy every last piece of that popcorn because it cost me THREE DOLLARS. Three dollars for a bag of popcorn!" I offered him some, but he told me he couldn't eat popcorn that was that expensive.
• 
  
• My parents are now the primary care-takers of Ace, our chihuahua. We weren't able to bring all of our huge collection of animals to the new home, so we're now sharing custody of Ace. The other day I was talking to my Mom on the phone, and she said "I had to take one of Ace's stuffed bears away from him." I said, "Why?" and she said, "because he kept messing with him!" I honestly had no idea what she meant, so I said "What are you talking about, messing with him how?" and she said "he was acting like it was another dog!" I guess I was in la-la-land because I truly still was not getting her meaning, and I told her that, so finally she said "he was HUMPING it!!!" And I died. I got such a kick out of making my prim old mom say "humping!!" And I didn't even do it on purpose!

You have funny kids, I have funny parents, what can I say?

Seriously?

I got this in the mail yesterday from the AARP.

(that's the American Association for Retired Persons, for you young whippersnappers).

AARP suggests I start making the most of life over 50.

They're about 13 years early.....

However, on the same day, I had to check my teenage daughter out of school for an orthodontist appointment. While sitting in the office of the High School waiting for Shelbie to arrive, I was checking Facebook from my phone. The Dean came through and gave me a dirty look. I couldn't figure out why until I heard the lady behind the desk explaining to her that I was a parent.

She thought I was a student, boldly using my cell phone in the office!

High school student? AARP Member?
Identity crisis much??

Check out these Hot Mamas for more Wordful/Wordish Wednesday posts:

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InLaws or OutLaws?

• A pharmacist tells a customer, 'In order to buy arsenic you need a legal prescription. A picture of your mother-in-law just isn't enough.'
• My mother-in-law is banned internationally from playing poker, as she keeps all the chips on her shoulder.
• Adam and Eve were the happiest, and the luckiest, couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.
• What is the difference between outlaws and in-laws? Outlaws are Wanted.
• Fred and Rick were in a pub. Fred says to his mate, 'My mother-in-law is an angel.' Rick replies, 'You're lucky. Mine is still alive.'

"....and that's all I have to say about that." - Forrest Gump

Letters to Someone

Dear Mom,
You are a sweet lady, and I love you dearly. But that Christmas sweater? Really?? (sigh) All I can say is...

Love,
Your Loving Daughter

Dear Shelbie,
Oh, sweet daughter of mine who is about to turn 14. I have arranged for your younger siblings to be out of the house for your sleepover party. I will not, however, send your 16 year old brother to a babysitter. He's just not going to go for that.
PLEASE do not make me even more insane Friday night,
Mama

Dear Elayna,
I know it's exciting to listen to your sister plan her birthday party. But your birthday is well over a month away. We really don't have to have every.single.detail planned out yet. I promise. Srsly. (although our theme is going to be a BLAST - more to come on that!)
Losing it,
Mommy

Dear Weatherman,
We have two Christmas Parades that we would really love to attend this weekend. Please, please make the rain go away!
Much Appreciated,
Cyndy

Dear DBD,



That is all.
Cyndy

Visit Family of Shorts for more Letters to Someone!

Freaky Friday Fragments!

Well, it's Friday October 30th, the day before Halloween.

Time for some Freeeeeeaky Friday Fragments!

Tonight is Trick or Treat on Main Street in my little town. It's a lot of fun and the kids can't wait! We usually trick or treat on the 31st, but the Florida vs. Georgia game is that night. We love our football in this town, my friends, so there will be NO trick or treating while the Gators are playing!

We decided, in an effort to cut back, to go back to basic mobile phones. Which means, no mobile internet. Which means, very little Twitter. Sad, but true. And necessary. I miss my Twitter friends much! And it's hard to get used to a plain old dumb phone when you've been spoiled by a Smart Phone. *sigh*

Last month I started working Monday - Friday nights, five 8-hour shifts. My boss asked if I could switch to working Sunday - Thursday nights, same shifts. I decided that would actually work out even better, since I wouldn't have to work every Friday night. So I switched this weekend. Last week I worked Monday-Friday, this week I worked Sunday-Thursday. Which means I worked 10 days with only one day off in between. I.am.SO.over.this.place!! I can't wait to go home and curl up in bed.

Speaking of which, I didn't get much sleep yesterday. I had to get up and go to the little kids' school, because Elayna got an Aiming High award! It was for outstanding character.

Attention All Parents! It's very important that you go and read this hilarious valuable information about keeping your kids safe on Halloween, brought to you by World of Weasels. You wouldn't want your kids to get into your candy any trouble or danger. So check it out!

What are your kids going to be for Halloween? How about you, do you dress up? I'm thinking of dressing up this year.

Hope you have a great one!

As always, don't forget to visit Mrs 4444 for more Friday Fragments!

Silly Searches

I love checking my stat counter, not because I obsess over the numbers (I honestly don't, I'm all about comments!) but it's interesting for me to see who views my blog. But even more interesting - and hilarious! - are the searches lead people to the Land of Dysfunction.

"Turd Burglar Watermelon" - Geez, a girl writes ONE post about the Turd Burglar and can never live it down! Some version of Turd Burglar is a very common referral...but watermelon? I have no clue.

"Stupid Thing I Did to be Cool" - obviously this one pulled up my "Stupid Thing I Did Today" post.

"What does butter my butt and call me a biscuit mean?" - That cracked me up! Some poor soul must've encountered a Southern woman and did not understand her language! I love that phrase and used it as a post title. It just means "Well I'll be darned" or "Well I declare!".

"Boobs Break Buttons" - Um, yeah. No idea. I don't have this problem, so I definitely haven't been blogging about it!

"Crazy Old Moms" - WHAT?! Who you calling a crazy old mom, you young whippersnapper?! I will beat you DOWN with my cane!

"John Deere Boobies" - Again, no idea! But it's pretty funny.

And my favorite of all...............

"My life is so ridiculous I just have to laugh" - You and me both, friend!!

I am in a FOUL mood today, for no particular reason except the Curse of being a female (which necessitated an emergency trip to Walmart this morning for Reese's Pumpkins, but I digress...). But these crazy searches made me laugh anyway!

There's Gonna Be a Heartache Tonight, I Know

Actually, it's tomorrow night. The Gators play rival Tennessee. It's going to be a good game. We'll see who ends up with the heartache.....

*~ We'll be watching the game over at my Mom's house & visiting with her on Saturday. Also, I'm also going to start decorating our home for FALL! I can't wait, it's my favorite season.

*~ On Sunday after church, we'll be having Andrew's Friend Birthday party. We're doing a pirate theme (same as last year, but his birthday falls right around Talk Like a Pirate Day, and he loves it!). I think it's going to be a lot of fun.

*~ Elayna is going to start playing softball this season. Shelbie wanted to play too, but there aren't enough kids in her age group for a team.

*~ I'm in the process of trying to tweak my schedule so that I can be off in the evenings and have more time with the kids and the ability to attend their evening events. I'm so fortunate to have a boss who is very understanding and flexible about these kinds of things! They made a last-minute change yesterday for me, for that night's shift. I've had jobs in the past that were completely inflexible and uncaring. I'm really blessed!

*~ I'm seeing Kanye spoofs everywhere and they're hilarious, but this one is by far my favorite.

(courtesy of DailyShite.com)

What are you doing this weekend?
Have you decorated for FALL yet?
Have a great weekend!

Visit Half Past Kissin' Time and Ordinary & Awesome for more Friday Fragments & Freewrites!

Blondes Provide More Fun

Everybody loves a good blonde joke, right? You have to admit there are some really funny ones out there.
Like....

Why were there 6 bullet holes in a mirror?
A blonde tried to commit suicide!

But in the DysFUNctional home, we are blessed with our very own blonde. And she provides daily humor for all of us!
Shelbie is smart. She makes excellent grades in school. But she's also a tiny bit of an airhead.
The other day on the way to her ortho appointment, she had me and John cracking up. First of all, I guess I was talking about the other kids to John and didn't mention Shelbie, and she burst out with "What am I, fried chicken???"

Then, she was telling us that at school, all of the students in her class had to do a project in which they write a word for each letter of their name. Like this:

C: captivating
Y: youthful
N: nice
D: delightful
Y: young

You know, totally modest stuff. So, Shelbie is working on hers and asks her friends, "What should I put for 'I'?" One of her friends suggested "intelligent" and Shelbie replied.........

"How do you spell that?"

Disclaimer: this was blogged with Shelbie's knowledge & full permission. In fact last night she asked "Did you blog about me yet???"

Awesome/Not Awesome

It's a two-fer today - Friday Fragments and Friday's Freewrite! If you join in, be sure to visit Half Past Kissin' Time and/or Ordinary and Awesome to link up.
My personal theme today is:

Awesome/Not Awesome.

Awesome:

§ My friend Heather is splitting up with her boyfriend. They live(d) together, and since things are ending, it's kind of awkward at home, so she is spending a lot of time at my house. She cleans, helps with the kids, and she cooks. Friends - I.have.a.wife.!! And it's awesome. And I may never let her leave.

Not Awesome:

§ "Someone" allegedly her ex who is innocent until proven guilty smashed the crap out of her car. Jumped on the roof, shattered her windshield, dented it all over. What.an.ass.

Awesome:

§ My oldest two kids are going to a church camp in Virginia this coming week.

Not Awesome:

§ My kids will be out of state, without family, for a whole week, for the first time ever! And I will miss them!

Awesome:

The customer in the truck ahead of me at the Chick fil A drive-thru this morning.

OK, so there was a hooman driving, but it's pretty awesome that it totally looks like the dog was handling everything from this angle.

Not Awesome:

TV hauling FAIL.

And these are all just awesome. They make me laugh and I hope they'll make you laugh too!

(courtesty of Criggo...check it out, that blog cracks me up!)

Have a great weekend!