Personal Accountability- A Rant.

Personal accountability.

It's a big issue with me.

I have known people throughout my life, children and adults, who don't seem to grasp this concept.

Any negative thing that happens in their life is the fault of someone else.

"I hit a parked car?
That person shouldn't have parked there. They were parked crooked. My eye doctor didn't give me the right eyeglasses!"

"Bounced a check? Bank error. Couldn't possibly have been anything else!"

Spill hot coffee on yourself? Sue McDonald's!

Overweight? It's not your fault, blame the Twinkies!

Struggling in school? It's not your fault, obviously the teacher doesn't like you!

When I was young, if I did something wrong, my parents tended to look at my friends and put some of the blame on them. I'm not doing my homework because of the friends I'm hanging out with. My grades are slipping because of them.

This makes no sense to me. Never in my life have my friends forced me to skip class, drink, smoke....none of that. I did do some of those things....on my own free will.

I don't believe in blaming others for our own mistakes. When my kids misbehave, I don't blame their friends. While I agree that our kids' friends influence them, I believe that blaming them for your kids' misbehavior is giving your kids a scapegoat and allowing them to avoid personal responsibility.

I think it's important to empower our kids and let them know that they don't have to be a follower. They make their own choices and don't have to follow their friends' lead. And if they choose to do so, they will take responsibility for those actions. The blame will not be placed on their friends. Their friends will not face the consequences of their actions. If my kids do well and get good grades, do their friends get credit for that? I don't think so. But it's the same concept.

We want to pat ourselves on the back for our kids' successes, and find someone to blame for their failures. But we're not doing our kids any favors that way.

"Character is doing the right thing when nobody's looking. There are too many people who think that the only thing that's right is to get by, and the only thing that's wrong is to get caught." ~J.C. Watts

"Some favorite expressions of small children: “It’s not my fault. . . They made me do it. . . I forgot.” Some favorite expressions of adults: “It’s not my job. . . No one told me. . . It couldn't be helped.” True freedom begins and ends with personal accountability." - Dan Zadra

Monday Mingle

Well hello there!

Today I've decided to join in with Monday Mingle over at Eighty MPH Mom.

This is my first time doing the Mingle! *waves*

I don't do vlogs. I don't watch/listen to them, I don't record them. I don't know why, they're just not my thing! So I'm doing the text version of this meme. Here we go:

1. What do you do when your child refuses to eat what you made for dinner?

For the most part, they eat what I cook. They have to at least try it. If it's something I know they don't like, I'll let them make a sandwich or some noodles. I don't make separate meals for everyone.

2. How do you handle a grumpy kid in the store?

If there's a reason for grumpiness, like being tired, I may offer a treat if they stop the whining (because in my world, grumpy always = whining). If they're just being grumpy for no good reason, I ignore them.

3. Why is being a mom (or dad) the best thing ever?

Now this makes me all teary. I have four kids, two are teenagers (ages 15 & 18), and I am so proud of them. That's one of the best things about parenting; watching them become young adults. Not only are they smart and accomplishing great things, but most importantly to me, they are becoming truly good people.

And the younger two (ages 10 & 11) are so sweetly affectionate and cuddly and fun. They still think I'm cool. I love feeding them and just taking care of them, and trying to do fun things with them, and make good memories.

And that is all! Link up with Eighty MPH Mom for Monday Mingle!

(the Monday Mingle button isn't working for me, but here's her blog button)

Not My Mother's Daughter

When I opened up my email and read Mama Kat's Writing Prompts for this week, there was no doubt in my mind that I'd be participating. Prompt Number 2 jumped right out and stuck its tongue out at me. In fact, I think Mama Kat has been wandering around in my brain recently and stumbled upon that prompt, because it's been floating around there for quite some time now. I just haven't been able to make myself sit down and write it. But Mama Kat pulled it out, sat me down, and told me to get crackalacking.

So here I go.

2.) Not your mother's daughter...how do you parent differently than your mother did? Is it a good thing or a bad thing?

I love my parents. My relationship with them is complicated. But I love them, and I know they love me. And as I have become a parent, and grown as a parent, I have experienced many different feelings towards their parenting. For the most part, I have made my peace with it and accepted that everything they did, they did the best way they knew how, and they did it out of love. They truly did want the best for their kids.

But their methods weren't always the best. And the one that I think impacted me the most, the one that I was so determined to do differently with my kids, is about communication.

{I don't mean not yelling. Puh-lease! They only listen when I yell!}
No, it goes a lot deeper than that.

When I was a teenager, I couldn't talk to my parents about anything. I deeply felt the generation gap. They just weren't the type of parents that sat down with me after school and listened to me talk about my day. My mom knew who some of my friends were, but not who was dating who or which friend was mad at the other one. But more than that, I couldn't come to them with the big things. When I was scared, worried, or heartbroken, talking to my parents was the last thing I thought of doing. They expected me to do exactly what they wanted me to do without question, and if I didn't, they flipped out. My teenage years were full of secrets and lies. They were so strict and kept me on such a tight leash, that I sometimes lied about where I was going, because I knew they wouldn't let me otherwise. Not even when it was a reasonable request and of course, all of my other friends' parents let them do it.

This inability to confide in my parents, this lack of communication, did more than strain our relationship, though. It caused me tremendous pain, and nearly cost me my life. There were several times when, as a teenager, I found myself in difficult situations. Nothing that many other teens haven't experienced in the past, and will experience for the rest of time. But I could not talk to my parents about these things. I simply, absolutely, could not. And several times, I felt like my only options were to run away from home, or to kill myself. This was not the dramatic rantings of a hormonal teenager; this was the absolute terror of a teenager who felt like she had no way out of an impossible situation.

In the end, I was able to keep my secrets. There are so many things that happened to me that my parents know nothing about, and probably never will. It was hard to go through, but one thing came out of that experience: I vowed to never let that happen with my own children.

I feel like, if my kids ever feel the way I felt, it would be one of the worst parenting failures for me. I want to be the one they come to. Even though they know there will be consequences. Even though they know I may be upset. But they need to know I am there for them. My love is unconditional. I will support them and accept them. I will stand by them. I hope, and I pray, that they never, ever feel backed into a corner with no way out, they way I did. It's very hard to find a balance; I don't believe in being overly permissive. I want to keep them safe. I don't want to be their friend. It's not about being 'the cool mom'. It goes so much deeper than that.

So far, my kids are very open with me. I know they don't tell me everything, and I don't expect them to. I just want them to know that they CAN come to me, without fear of overreaction or judgement.

Do I always go about this the right way? Probably not. I don't have to tell you that parenting is tough and there is no instruction book. I have made mistakes in the past and I will make plenty more in the future. But I go about it with nothing but pure love for my children, and the deep desire for them to know that they can talk to me, especially about the important things. And the need for them to know that I will always have their back.

And that's a good thing.

~Visit Mama Kat for more Writer's Workshop Posts~

Zipping My Lips

There's a story from my mom's family that has been told and retold many times.

When my aunt and uncle were newlyweds, my Aunt Betty called my grandma crying. She and her new husband had a fight. She was terribly upset, which of course made my grandma terribly upset.

My grandma fretted for hours after that phone call. How dare her son-in-law treat her daughter that way?

Finally, she decided to go visit her daughter & her husband. They lived just a few miles away. When she arrived, my aunt and her husband were sitting on the sofa, holding hands, happy as could be. My grandma was stunned! Aunt Betty said they'd made up hours ago.

So all that time my grandma was stressing....Aunt Betty and her husband were just fine.

Aunt Betty was over it. Grandma wasn't. Because as mothers, when someone hurts our babies...it takes us longer to forgive.

The lesson that's taken away from this works two ways. One, don't call your Mama about every little spat you have with your significant other. Because the two of you will probably make up quickly, but Mama? She holds a grudge.

And on the flip side, as a Mama, don't take your kids' spats too seriously. Listen, try not to judge, and try not to stress. Because while you're stressing, they're making up and planning their happily ever after.

The flip side of this is already happening in my life. My oldest son, Tim, has been dating a girl named Jessica for over a year. They're both high school seniors. Tim is not the type to come to Mama (or anyone else) with their little spats, but sometimes, they post things on Facebook that let everyone know they're fighting. They're nowhere near as bad as many kids about plastering their relationship all over Facebook, but they do share some stuff.

And in the beginning, I would get so upset. For one thing, I really like Jessica, and I know how hard it is when your child is dating someone that you strongly dislike; my best friend is going through that right now and it's tearing her apart.

(and for me, the more my parents disliked my boyfriends, then more I liked them!)

But more than anything, I know my son would be broken hearted if they broke up. So I would worry and stress and fret for hours if they were arguing, only to learn that....you guessed it....they had made up hours before.

And that's when I remembered my Mama's family story, and realized that I have to take a step back. When I hear that they are having one of their arguments, I refuse to let myself worry about it. I brush it off, at the most maybe asking my son (jokingly) if he's being mean to Jess, and he usually blows me off. And the next thing I know, they're fine.

It happened just this week in fact....something silly was posted on Facebook. I felt that familiar flip-flop in my heart, but then reminded myself to chill out.

The next day, both Tim & Jessica came over to visit with me, both happy as could be and clearly no longer arguing.

So even when they publicize their issues on Facebook, I still stay out of it and mind my own business. No questions, no Facebook comments. If they need my advice, they'll ask for it.

It's better for everyone that way.

Music to my Ears

One day recently, I was talking to my teen daughter, Shelbie, and one of her friends. I brought up something that Shelbie had told me about, and her friend said, "Shelbie!! You told your Mom about that?!" And Shelbie replied, "Of course! I tell my mom everything."

I can't tell you how good that made me feel. Not because I believe for a moment that she literally tells me EVERYthing. I'm sure she has her little secrets, and she should. She's a teenager.

But when I was her age...I told my mother NOTHING. We just didn't have that kind of relationship.

I don't believe in being a 'friend' to my child. I have friends, she has friends. She doesn't need me to be another friend, my role is to be her mother. In fact, I think trying to be your kids' friend is a dangerous road to travel...but that's another post for another time.

However, ever since I was a teenager, I hoped that I could have a different kind of relationship with my kids. My mother knew nothing of my personal life. She knew who my friends were, and that was about it. She never knew who I had a crush on. She never knew my dreams, my worries, my random thoughts. We just didn't talk like that. And I could never go to her with my problems or concerns. We just didn't have that kind of relationship.


But with my kids, I do. My teenage son and I are also very close, but it's a little different with him, because he's a boy, and he doesn't talk and open up as much as his sister does. But still, we have a much closer relationship than I did with my parents, and he's told me many things that I would never have told my parents, at that age....or any age.

But Shelbie....she tells me so much. I am very involved in her life. In fact, sometimes she talks to me until my eyes cross - about her day; her friends, her crushes, her friends' crushes; clothes, music, makeup, hair; her classes, and he said, and then she said, and I was like, OMG!.....yeah. Sometimes it's exhausting!


But I wouldn't have it any other way. Because my hope is that if she tells me the little things, then she'll also know she can tell me the big things. She doesn't have to carry huge weights around on her own shoulders, like I did. She can come to me, and we can figure things out together.


So far, I think we're doing well in that regard. So even when she's chattering away at 50 words per second and my head is about to explode....it's music to my ears.

{ Shelbie, Me, and our Best Friends}

Weekend WrapUp {Spring Break Edition}

We had SO MUCH FUN over Spring Break! In the beginning of the week the Littles stayed with their grandparents, and the Teens hung out with friends. Then we went to Busch Gardens, and then Clearwater Beach. Tim's friend Brendon came with us. We had a blast, and I have tons of pics!

Andrew

Elayna and Zoe (from Busch Gardens' new Sesame Street Safari!)

We went to Timbuktu!

This gorilla was amazing.

He was so expressive and human-like.

He was posing for the cameras!

My kids are clowns....

Andrew was pretending to eat bugs off of the monkey in front of him.

Elayna fit right in with the chimps!

This chimp was amazing too.

He would sit and stare at the waterfall, seeming to be deep in thought.

Monkeying around again....

While we were eating lunch,

this mama duck led her babies right by our table!

Elephants are so darned cute!

I can't remember what kind of bird this was.

But he was very neat-looking!

flamingos

sleeping bird

that may or may not be me on the carousel with the Littles...

Shelbie, Andrew and Elayna acting goofy by the giant butterfly

Elayna and Andrew, "flying"

And now we move on to Clearwater Beach!

They had a huge fun area set up for the kids to play on....

which cost us an arm and 2 or 3 legs....

This is Andrew sliding down the giant Shark Slide

Andrew running along the shore

{with Elayna playing in the sand in the foreground}

the Pier

Tim, helping Andrew build a sand castle

Elayna, sunburningbathing

All four of my kiddos....and I didn't even have to pay them to pose for me!

....and this is how the trip ended. Exhausted, happy kids. WIN!

**Between vacation and moving, I'm so behind on my blog reading & commenting. As much as I want to catch up, it's just not possible! But I promise I'll be back around ASAP!**

Weekend WrapUp

This weekend was pretty great!
Friday night, my teenagers went to a True Love Waits event with church.
Elayna went to the Gator gymnastics meet with my sister, niece, and niece's fiance.
She had SO much fun, and talked my ears off when she got home. Seriously, my ears fell off and I left them on the floor for a little while just to get a break! Then the dogs started sniffing them, so I stuck them back on.
Anyway.
Saturday morning: I got up at the butt crack of dawn, a.k.a. 8 am. *shudder* It was Elayna's Opening Ceremony for softball. There were helicopters and bounce houses, old friends and new friends, and tons of fun. She had a blast! I took a few pictures but haven't uploaded them yet, I'll probably post them on Wordful Wednesday.
Saturday, early afternoon: John, the Littles and I went to lunch with MIL, and John's aunt & grandma. We were celebrating John's birthday. We had a very nice time.
Then on Saturday, late afternoon, we went back to the rec center for Elayna's first softball game of the season. This time we took Sofie with us. She is so sweet, but so big and intimidating-looking. She got very excited by all the kids and a few other dogs that were there. She only wanted to play with everyone, but her bark is deep and LOUD. She also can pull me hard when she catches me off guard! She is strong! So finally John took her back home. I think people were a little scared of her. Anyway, Elayna's team won! She did well and had fun - the most important thing!
The teens came home on Saturday night and we all had dinner and watched movies, and I made my world famous potato salad and baked a cake for Sunday.
On Sunday morning, I woke up and cooked breakfast, which I have to stop doing, the kids are going to get used to it! Anyway, we went to church, then to my parents' house for the guys' birthday celebration. It was fun, for the most part. It was raining, which meant the kids were cooped up inside, which means my dad gets grouchy and irritable. He's also feeling down because he turned the exact age at which both his mother and oldest brother died (73 years old). I wish he could just feel fortunate that he made it to this age, AND is still in very good health...but that's just not how my dad views life. *sigh*
Anyway. Sunday afternoon, we went home and I went to bed until John woke me up with dinner in bed, the night-shifter's equivalent of breakfast in bed. Then I started my work-week!

Hope y'all had a great weekend! Click below if you wanna join in.