We March Again.

This Saturday is our town's March for Babies (formerly known as March of Dimes).

Those of you who are new to my blog may not know the story behind our support of the March for Babies.

Not long after I met my husband in 2004, he poured his heart out to me. He told me of the birth, and then the death, of his first born son, Johnathon Wayne. He was born prematurely and only lived for 22 days. My heart just broke to see the pain that my husband felt over this loss.

In time, I started wondering what I could do to help him somehow. Obviously, I knew I could never take the pain away. But I wanted to help him honor his baby's memory, and prevent others from going through this pain. So I suggested we join the March for Babies.

We have walked every year since 2006. This will be the second time that my oldest two kids, Tim & Shelbie, will join us. The first time it was when we did the shorter walk. This walk is 8.6 miles. I love that they want to walk with us; I don't pressure them at all, I just ask them if they want to, and they do. My son took the day off of work for this. His girlfriend was going to walk too, but she has to work at her new job. It's going to be a good family event. I am still sometimes amazed that my teenaged kids actually want to spend time with their parents! And then I think....this 'baby' that we're walking for, he would be turning 13 this year. Would he want to hang out with us too? What would he be into, at thirteen years old? What would his life be like; what would our life be like with him in it?

Every year we see the Memory Mile signs, honoring children who did not survive, and then we see many survivors & parents who help to support the cause. It's a very moving experience.

Can you help us help with our March for Babies this year? Truly, every little bit helps. It all adds up to help give babies a fighting chance at life. If you can help with even a very small donation, or by sharing this post, we would be so grateful! Just click HERE or click the March for Babies widget in the right sidebar.

To read more about my husband's son Johnathon Wayne and the story of his short life, please click HERE.

{Linking up for Pour Your Heart Out with Shell @ Things I Can't Say,

and Wordful Wednesday with Seven Clown Circus & Parenting BY Dummies.}

Chocolate: The Perfect Expression of Love.

It's actually been a relatively uneventful week, so I don't have a whole lot of Fragments floating around. Just a few things to share.....

We met with & hired an attorney this week regarding the situation with Andrew's" egg donor". He is totally confident that this will go in our favor (that is, Andrew's favor). He is the attorney who represented John when they established custody previously, so he knows the history. We are prepared to fight this every step of the way using every legal tactic possible, because we so strongly feel that her presence in Andrew's life would be extremely detrimental to him (as does his psychiatrist). We feel much better now that we have the attorney fighting for us!

I have not been feeling well this week and posted on Facebook last night: "Mama needs chocolate!"

When John came home from work, he handed me two Hershey bars. I heart him.

If you missed yesterday's post, Our Story of Loss (why we walk for March for Babies), please check it out. If you are able to give a little to help the babies, we greatly appreciate it! Every little bit helps. And those of you who already donated - I love you! Thank you so much.

Elayna heard this song on the radio the other night and cracked up! I love Brad Paisley. He has an awesome sense of humor.

Enjoy!

and don't forget to visit Mrs 4444's for more Friday Fragments.

Our Story of Loss

{Joining in with Shell @ Things I Can't Say for Pour Your Heart Out}

It's that time of year again; John and I are preparing for the 2011 March for Babies.
We do this walk every year, in memory of John's firstborn son, Johnathon Wayne ("Baby JW").

The post below originally appeared on October 1st, 2008. It explains Johnathon Wayne's short life, and the reason we do this walk. You can find more posts about Baby JW here.

Thank you for reading, and if you are able to donate to the babies, thank you from the bottom of our hearts. The widget to donate is at the end of this post, as well as on my left sidebar. (feel free to share the widget!)



You may have noticed the March for Babies widget in my side bar. You may have seen a few references here on my blog to why we raise money for the March for Babies, why we walk every year, and why we are so passionate about this cause.
But today I'm going to tell the whole story. My wonderful husband gave me permission to share this story with you all, and to 'interview' him for this post, because it is so painful that he never before shared all of the details with me. I knew the basics, and not much more. Ten years later, it is still so incredibly painful. But to help bring attention to this cause, and in honor of "Baby JW", I'm helping him tell his story here.

My husband has two sons. One of them I mention often, Andrew, my nine year old stepson. But he has another son, Baby JW. Baby JW would've been ten years old on October 18th of this year. But his life was cut very, very short.
The pregnancy was a 'surprise', but he was a very wanted and happily anticipated baby. It was an uneventful pregnancy. They were thrilled to find out they were having a boy. Then, at a routine ob/gyn visit on October 18th, 1998, they learned that C., the baby's mother, was in labor. She was dilated 6 centimeters. They rushed her to the hospital and tried to stop the labor, but they failed. She gave birth to a baby weighing just over one pound.

His prognosis was uncertain at the beginning. He had respiratory issues, as most preemies do, and was intubated.

They knew it could go either way. But of course, they hoped and prayed that Baby JW would survive.

John's family came in from all over the state to offer emotional support. C and John stayed at the hospital night and day, even after C was discharged. John didn't go to work and they rarely left the hospital. They spent as much time with Baby JW as they possibly could.
At one point, the doctor pulled John aside. He told him that he'd seen something with Baby JW that he'd never seen before. Baby JW never moved....except when John came through the door. The doctor said that even before he was completely through the door, Baby JW started kicking and moving around, and didn't stop until John left. The doctor felt that Baby JW sensed John's presence, and he thought it was amazing.

There were good days and bad days. One day things would look up, the next day he would take a downhill turn. All they had were hopes and prayers.

On November 9th, 1998, C and John were sleeping at the hospital. It had been a bad day. The baby was losing color, and his oxygen sats were dropping.

They were awoken by the doctor and several nurses, all of whom were crying. They told them that the end was very near, and asked if they wanted to come be with Baby JW. John was not able to do it, but C went in. That was the only time she got to hold him. About five minutes later, she came out. It was over; they had lost Baby JW.

John doesn't remember a whole lot about the next few days. His family planned the baby's funeral, a small graveside service. I asked him how did he cope with the pain, but he has no answers. Somehow, he just kept going. It never goes away. It's very hard for him to see pictures or video of preemie babies, it takes him right back to that NICU unit ten years ago. We visit the grave frequently, with flowers, balloons, toys, and prayers.

John thinks of baby JW every day, whether it's remembering his short life, or wondering what he'd be like today.

Every year, John and I walk to benefit the March for Babies. It will never ease the pain, but it is something positive to do in honor of Baby JW, and it helps to prevent other families from enduring this pain. That is John's motivation.

Our walk is coming up November 16th. We don't walk with a team, just the two of us, and last year my kids joined in. We set a small goal; we're not a huge organization. Just a daddy and his family, walking for his baby that never grew up. The stepson I'll never meet. The big brother that Andrew will never get to play with. We will forever wonder who he'd be today.
We would greatly appreciate if you could help us this year. Every little bit helps. The March for Babies has done so much for this cause. Prematurity effects half a million babies & families every year. There are so many stories that are happier than Baby JW's, thanks to the March of Dimes. Can you help us, help other families have a happy ending?

*Note: This year the walk is March 26th, and we are heading up a team for our church members. The only changes I made to the above post were the names: I used to use pseudonyms but I changed them to the real names.*

He Would Be Twelve

Every year we visit the grave of John's firstborn son, Johnathon Wayne.
We visit several times per year, but we always make sure and visit around the end of October. Because he was born on October 18th, 1998, and he passed away on November 9th, 1998. We want to visit his grave around his birthday, around the time of the year that he was here on earth.
It's kind of awkward to be the step-mother of a baby who passed away. I feel like if I include him when discussing "our" children, I am seeking sympathy for something that did not happen to me.
However, I feel that it's wrong to exclude him.

Recently, I asked John, "If someone asks you how many children you have, what is your answer?" and he immediately said "Five". My three, and both of his sons, living and in heaven.
But what makes it awkward for me is that if I say "we" have five, and then go on to explain that John's firstborn son passed away shortly after his birth, I feel as though I'm laying claim to a loss that wasn't mine. I never met Johnathon Wayne. Although I grieve for my husband's pain, and for what might have been, I didn't suffer that loss and I can't even fathom how it truly feels.
I'm not asking for answers here....are there really any answers?
Another thing that is awkward is that "Baby JW" would be twelve now. We still refer to him as "the baby". In the beginning, around his birthday, we would leave Hot Wheels cars or other toys on his grave. But what do you leave for a twelve year old? What would he like now? How do we do this? Is he twelve, or is he three weeks old forever?
I'm reading a book right now, a memoir by a woman who lost her first son. He was stillborn. Reading her point of view makes me think about the loss of Baby JW even more than I normally would at this time of year, and think about it from a mother's perspective. Reading her story gives me insight into what John went through. He doesn't talk about it much, and even when he does, it's hard for him to express those kinds of feelings.
I just want to make sure to never forget Baby JW, not even for a moment, and to never exclude him in a way that would hurt John. He has hurt enough.

Sundays in my City

We've had a very full weekend. Not busy, because it's been very relaxed. No rushing around. Just laid-back, doing what we want and enjoying ourselves.

Friday night John and I had a date night. We went to dinner and a movie. We saw
Paranormal Activity 2.


Holy Scarethecrapoutofme. That movie is great! I liked it even more than the first one.


On Saturday, Andrew had a soccer game in the little town of Newberry, Florida. We left early and hit a few garage sales, and found two beds for our boxer, Sofia, that were in great condition. She is thrilled with them! The soccer game was a tie, 2-2, which is the best Andrew's team has done so far, so we were happy! We take what we can get.
The Newberry Festival was this weekend, so we hit that up after the game.
Then we decided to stop by Dudley Farm. Neither of us had been there before, although we've driven past it many times and some of the kids have been there on school field trips. It's an old family farm dating back to the 1800's which was donated to the state of Florida.

This was on the trail leading back to the farm.

All of the cows were literally crying
because their babies had been taken to market the day before.
Just so we can have cheeseburgers?!?!
How does that make you feel???
What's that? HUNGRY?
Yeah, me too. *sigh*

a tobacco barn

the home itself

mail, anyone?

Nope! Just a nest.

We enjoyed our visit there and plan to go back soon with all of the kids.
For the rest of Saturday, we did some shopping and then went home where I made dinner....Greek food...it was delicious!

Today is Sunday. We went to church this morning, then visited John's firstborn son's grave, which I'll be blogging about more later.



This evening, we're going to a church event; it's a campfire at the farm of a family from our church. I made cookie/brownie bars, and they're grilling hot dogs and everyone is bringing a dish. We're looking forward to a good time!

So, that's what's up in my city and the surrounding area. Visit Unknown Mami for more Sundays in my City!

Weekend WrapUp: the Walk.

This Saturday was our March for Babies walk. Our team total for donations was $220, so we were only $30 short of our goal, and hope to have a few more donations coming in so that we will hit our goal of $250.
The weather was beautiful and the walk was a lot of fun! We walked 8.6 miles. I'm still a little sore!

Me & John, getting ready to walk

the crowd ahead of us....it was a record turn out this year!

Ambassador Avenue is where parents and preemie babies
hang out to greet and thank the walkers.

Memory Mile is where they put signs up
with names of babies who did not survive.

Memory Mile signs.

The Gator cheerleaders entertained the crowds after the walk was over.

Every year after the walk, we visit Baby JW's grave.

We bring flowers and/or balloons, and leave the roster from the walk.

It was a very nice walk, and it's always wonderful to see the babies who were born prematurely but are now thriving thanks to March for Babies!

On Sunday, we had a Palm Sunday service at our church. Our worship service was held outside, and the rain held out for us. Then we had dinner on the grounds. I made my World Famous Potato Salad.
After that we just relaxed and enjoyed the rest of the weekend!

This is the last week of work before our vacation! Hallelujah!!


Wishing you all a wonderful week! Join in if you'd like....
xoxo

Friday Bits and Chunks

It's that time again!
Time to spew out some bits & chunks of my week.
Like puking, only way less gross!
We like to call it Friday Fragments!

* Tomorrow, as my regulars know, we're Marching for Babies. It's a fun event and we always look forward to it. BUT. This year Elayna has a softball game on the same day, so we will have to miss it. She's with her Dad this weekend so she'll get to go, but I'm bummed that John and I won't get to see her play. It's for a good cause though! I'm praying for sunny skies, both for us and for Elayna!

* Does anyone want a dog? Because last night, I literally swept up enough dog hair to make a new one. Note to self: Don't adopt a large dog and then skip sweeping for several days. It will come back to bite you! (not the dog...oh, you know what I mean!)

* I've decided I prefer the term Cupcake Top over Muffin Top. It's just cuter! It's my Cupcake Top and I'll call it what I want!



* I installed my SiteMeter tracker in July. I just recently went over 10,000 hits! WOOHOO! Also I just hit 250 followers. I think this calls for a celebration! Which is good, because I'm going to be doing a giveaway soon. Stay tuned!

* And now, it's time for Facebook Faves!

Little bits of my life, as posted on Facebook.

Cyndy N*** E***: A chef prepared dinner for my children tonight! Chef Boyardee.
(hey, it's been a rough week!)

Cyndy N*** E***: If anything can go well, it will. (I've seen a ton of bumper stickers with this saying recently, and I like it!)

And between my teen daughter and I:
Shelbie ****: BOYS: You can't live with them, but you can't live without them. :(
Cyndy N*** E***: OH YES, you can definitely live without them. I promise!


AND....I don't know why my widget isn't updating, but we're actually at $190 in donations, with a goal of $250. ALMOST THERE!! For those of you who have donated....thank you from the bottom of our hearts!

Have a wonderful weekend!
And don't forget to visit Mrs4444's for more Friday Fragments.

Loved & Lost

This weekend is the big day - John and I are once again doing the March for Babies, in memory of John's firstborn son, Baby JW.
Before my husband was 25 years old, he'd suffered two of the greatest losses anyone can have: he lost his first child, and his father. When I met him, he was still in a lot of pain. I wanted to help him in some way. We visited the baby's grave together. It was my first time visiting the grave of a child. It was so hard to see John's pain. I got the idea of doing the March for Babies. I thought it would be a way to honor the memory of John's son in a positive way.
So, every year, we do this walk. We raise as much money as we can, so that hopefully, parents won't have to experience pain like John's and so many others.
If you aren't walking this year, please donate to the March for Babies. We would love for you to help us reach our goal this year! EVERY little bit counts, and your support means so much to us. I tell John about every single dollar donated and every single comment left, and he greatly appreciates them.
*ETA* If you want to help but can't make a monetary donation, spread the word! Link to this post, tweet it, or share it via Facebook Networked Blogs. I appreciate it!

{Visit Angie @ Seven Clown Circus for more Wordful Wednesdays}

Fragments de Friday

It's time for Fragments de Friday from the Casa de Dysfunction!
For some reason, many of my Fragments for this week are about Elayna. But since her birthday is tomorrow, I guess it's fitting!

~Yep, my baby girl will be NINE years old tomorrow. I can hardly believe it. The years have flown!



~ I mentioned before that one of the things she wanted the most for Christmas was a Chia Pet. She loves it, and it has sprouted twice now. He looks pretty good!




~ Her betta fish, Savanna, tragically died over the Christmas holiday. So we got her a new one. This one is male and he is red. She originally named him Riley Cooper, after one of the Gator football players. However, she recently changed his name to Riley POOPER. "Because he poops a lot, and because it's funny."



~ Last night at dinner, she said grace to herself, and when she was done she told me that one of the things she prayed for was no more earthquakes in Haiti. =) Love that kid.

~ Tomorrow is Elayna's 50's Rock and Roll Sock Hop party! We have had so much fun preparing and I think it's going to be a BLAST and very memorable. We've already chosen a theme for next year's party too! I will be taking & posting lots of pics.

Now for other subjects.....

~ I have a RAVE about Dansko Shoes' customer service. Many of our nurses wear their clogs and rave about them. About a year ago I was diagnosed with plantar fasciitis and told that I have to start wearing better shoes. So I went ahead and bit the bullet and bought a pair of Danskos (they're not cheap). I haven't had any problems with my feet since! I liked them so much I bought another pair in brown (the first pair was black). So, everything was great until the first pair started squeaking. First one shoe, then both. It was really annoying! So this week the Dansko people were here at the hospital again for a scrub/shoe sale, and I went to talk to them, and asked if there was anything they or I could do to fix the squeak. They asked me what size my shoes were...and handed me a brand new pair! The squeaking was a known problem they had and their policy was to simply exchange them for new shoes. I walked out wearing a brand new pair of $120 shoes! That is excellent customer service!

~ On Wednesday, I posted about our fundraising efforts for March for Babies and why we do it. Within MINUTES after posting, we received our first donation, and just a few hours later we received a second donation! And that made me cry. At work. Like a baby.
I'm not sure who the first donator was (feel free to comment, kind person!) but the second one was from my new friend Dina of 4 Lettre Words. Another reader, Katrina from the Sevin Family, started a team after reading my post, and is going to participate in her town's walk, and yet another reader, Inappropriate Sue, put my button on her blog & asked her readers to come over & give their support (which you are also welcome to do if you feel inclined). I am SO very moved by all of your support! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

~ See this weather? THAT'S what I'm talking about! I love storms and I LOVE those temps! That's the Florida I know & love.

As always, wishing you a wonderful weekend!
Don't forget to check out my Southern Loving food blog.
Visit Half Past Kissin' Time for more Friday Fragments.

WordFUL Wednesday ~ Why?

So that other parents have ornaments that their children made, and hung on the tree themselves, on their Christmas Tree, instead of one "In Memory Of".



So that other parents see their childrens' faces light up on Christmas Day, instead of decorating their grave.



So that other premature babies live....we March for Babies.

Can you help us?

In Memory of Baby JW

Visit Seven Clown Circus for more WordFUL Wednesday posts!