Remembering CJ

I've posted here before about my dear bloggy friend Hallie, who lost her beloved son, CJ, to suicide.

Hallie & her family are never far from my thoughts. I can't even wrap my head around what she has been through, what her life is like now.

I can tell you that it has affected my relationship with my children, particularly my son, and his friends. I don't tiptoe around, fearful of doing or saying the wrong thing....but I am mindful. Mindful that suicide does happen. Nobody is immune, and it happens to those you would least expect it to. I try to make sure my children know that no matter what, I love them unconditionally, and they can always come to me with their problems. I don't want to lose them and then wonder if they knew how much I loved them.

Recently, one of my son's friends came to me at a low period in his life. Like a lot of kids his age (19), he's trying to figure out where he fits in in the world, and what he wants to do with his life, and he was feeling like he wasn't in a very good place in life. I tried to choose my words so carefully, to encourage him that it was normal for him to be at this place at this time. And to encourage him to find his passion in life, set goals, and go for it. But most of all to let him know that I love him unconditionally for who he is. He has two wonderful parents who love him that way too, but sometimes kids think "they're my parents, they have to love me". I wanted him to know that I CHOOSE to love him that much, because he deserves it, and because he's smart and kind and amazing. Did I change his life, or even make a huge difference? I don't know. He was very sweet and thankful. We talked for hours over two days. I only hope and pray that I helped him in some way. I also hope and pray that my kids can come to me at times like that, and if not me, someone else who will encourage them and pull them through.

That being said, Hallie is doing a fundraiser in honor of her beloved CJ, and I wanted to bring attention to that here. It's a raffle and for every dollar you donate, you get a chance to win one of 16 different prize packages.

Hallie's Fundraiser

Hallie, I will never, ever forget you or CJ. I send you my love.

Depression Is Not...

You can find a lot of resources online that will tell you the definition of Depression. I'm sure most of you have at least a basic understanding of what depression is. But there are many misconceptions about depression, people who suffer from depression, and the medication that some people take for their depression.

So I am here to tell you what Depression is NOT.

Depression is not a choice.

Depression is not an excuse.

Depression is not a copout.

Depression is not a bad day (or week).

Depression is not something a good cry will make better.

Depression is not something you can sleep off.

Depression is not something you can shake off.

Depression is not something you can control.

Medications are not a crutch.

Medications do not numb.

Medications do not create a 'high'.

Medications DO provide balance.

They provide emotional stability.

The help you keep your head above water.

They help you get out of bed in the morning.

They save relationships.

And they save lives.

There are exceptions to everything. But don't assume that the person you know who takes medication for depression doesn't really need it. Because she 'acts fine'. Maybe those medications are the ONLY thing that enable her to 'act fine'. Maybe behind closed doors, she does not 'act fine'. Maybe they are the only way she is able to parent her children. Maybe they are keeping her alive.

Depression is serious. It kills people every single day. Please don't make someone feel guilty about needing help for this illness.

(all images from PostSecret)

I'm Pouring My Heart Out today with Shell @ Things I Can't Say.

Visit her blog for more PYHO posts.

Desperado

*Warning: This is a downer post. Proceed at your own risk.*

November 24th, 2010, was an anniversary, but not the kind that you celebrate.

It was the two year anniversary of the suicide death of a friend.

He wasn't a "Junior", but for some odd reason, that was his nickname for many years.

He was a friend of my ex-husband's, and that's how I met him, twenty-something years ago.

He was the kind of person who would do anything for a friend. He hung out at our house, played with our kids, and ate dinner with us countless times. When my husband was out of town for work, I could always call him when I needed help.

Junior had a few girlfriends throughout the years, but none who stuck around for long. I think that's one reason that the Eagles song, Desperado, always reminded me of him:

"You better let somebody love you.....before it's too late."

Even after my ex-husband and I split up, Junior helped me out. He helped me move, and later moved my kids' outdoor play equipment to our new home. He was just that kind of guy who you knew would help you out when you needed him.

In time, I lost touch with him. He had moved to St Augustine.

In some ways I was surprised to hear of his death, but in some ways, I wasn't. Junior always seemed haunted. He always had a smile and an easy laugh, but behind all that, it wasn't hard to tell that he wasn't a happy person. And his life hadn't been an easy one.

I have no idea what actually pushed him to take his own life. The story I heard (third- or fourth-hand) was that he was sitting with his girlfriend watching TV, then got up and walked into another room, and shot himself. He was 42 years old.

I can only hope, and pray, that he has found peace now.

Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger.
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home.
And freedom, ohhhh freedom, well, that's just some people talkin'...
Your prison is walking through this world all alone.

Remembering CJ

I don't want to own this shirt.

I don't want to look at it.

I don't want it to exist.

Because the reason that it exists, causes so much pain for my dear friend.

Hallie from Wonderful World of Wieners lost her son CJ in April. Her family courageously participated in an Out of the Darkness walk this past weekend, and those of us who could not attend were offered the opportunity - no, the honor - of buying and wearing a Team CJ shirt.

My heart aches for her every day. I admire her strength so very much. I wish there were something, anything, I could do to ease her pain even a small amount.

But all I can do is wear my shirt, and remember CJ.

{Visit Angie @ Seven Clown Circus for more Wordful Wednesdays.}

Suicide.

Image: Suicide by Scandinavian artist Joakim Back.

"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." -Phil Donahue

That sounds correct in theory, but the fact is, it's not always true.

That wasn't the case when suicide touched my life.

Mrs. C was my first grade teacher. She was also my mother's best friend. She was a very good person. She had Multiple Sclerosis. And for years, she bravely battled. She kept on teaching when she could barely walk.
But she was tired. Her marriage was failing. Her only child was rebelling. Her parents were elderly and ill. Her problems were not temporary. They were getting progressively worse.

She didn't want to battle it any more.

So one day, her teenaged daughter left the house and left Mrs. C alone. Mrs. C called my mother and very calmly told her that she was going to kill herself. She asked my mom not to try to talk her out of it. Her only request was that she call someone to come get her body; she didn't want her daughter to find her.

Naturally, my mother begged her to reconsider. She called my brother, who lived near Mrs. C, and he raced over. She called 911, then headed to Mrs. C's house herself.
They were all too late. She'd shot herself. She was rushed to surgery, but died on the table.

This was eight years ago, but I still think of her often. She is buried in the same cemetery as Baby JW, and when we visit his grave, we also visit hers. She touched many lives. She was a very special person. She will forever have my respect and admiration, and I pray that she is out of pain now.

She's been on my mind lately, around the anniversary of her death. And then last week, I learned of another friend's suicide. I was talking to my son and his cousin (on his father's side), and they told me that a good friend of my ex-husband's recently committed suicide. This is someone who used to be at my house on an almost daily basis. He ate dinner with us countless times. He helped me out when my ex was out of town with work, and also when we seperated, he helped me move. Now he's gone, at 42 years old. Why...I have no idea. Maybe nobody knows and will ever really know. There aren't always answers.
There is help, though.

"More than one soul dies in a suicide."

http://www.save.org/

Has suicide touched your life?