These are my confessions...

I confess....
that I have always wanted to confess with Mamarazzi, and this week seemed like the perfect week to do it.


I confess..... 
that today is my BIRTHDAY!!  I am 39 and darned proud of it.

I confess....
that I'm going to PARTY tonight.  Oh yes I am!


I confess....
that I still love my birthday like I did when I was a little kid.


I confess....
that when I was very young, I was APPALLED one year to see that the mail was still delivered on
MY BIRTHDAY!!!  It's a HOLIDAY, people, WTF??  

I confess...
that never has a birthday went by that my MOTHER didn't remind me of that!  (She just texted me "Hope u have a very happy birthday! Think the mail will come today?" I replied "It better not!!")


I confess.....
that I think it's because I LOVE ATTENTION and I get lots of attention on my birthday!  Yeah, I said it.  I'm a bit of an attention whore.  What then!
You can go ahead and get me one of these for my birthday because TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY DID I MENTION THAT????

I confess....
that I loved waking up to dozens of Facebook posts saying Happy Birthday!


I confess....
that I would like every day to be my birthday.


I confess.... 
that I am already planning my 40th Birthday party.  And it is going to be EPIC.


I confess....
that last month nearly took me down, but I'm still standing! (yeah, yeah, yeah!)


I confess.... 
that when I look at pictures of Tim Tebow, I want to do things to him that go against his admirable Christian values.  STRONGLY.AGAINST.  And over and under and around and.....

I confess....
that I absolutely can't wait for this weekend!  On Sunday we'll be with my family celebrating baby Hayleigh's Dedication, Mother's Day, and MY BIRTHDAY (did I mention that today is MY BIRTHDAY?????)!!!!




Hope y'all have a wonderful weekend, and Happy Mother's Day to the Mommies!!  

Brilliant or Insane? I'll be the judge of that.

Quite some time ago, I stumbled across this photo on the interwebz.  It's a sign for a service dog to wear.

And I want one.  

As soon as I saw it, I thought, how HILARIOUS would it be for a human to go around wearing one of those?  I think I even blogged about it, but I'm way too lazy to go look.  And I still think about it quite often.  Because, clearly, I'm slightly unbalanced.

So last night, while in that state between being awake and being asleep, I started thinking about it again.  And I stumbled upon the most BRILLIANT idea.  The National Association of Service Dogs should make T-shirts with this printed on them, and sell them as a fundraiser!  It's a great cause and it's damned funny.  HELLOOO???  Winning!  

So, I'm going to email them.  I won't even charge them for my brilliant idea; all I want it a free T-shirt.  Fair enough, right?

They'll either agree that I'm brilliant or think I'm insane and block me from ever contacting them again.

I'll keep you posted! 

It's Closing Time....

A girl walks into a bar.

She's there with her best friend and another friend.  When she goes to the bar, a very friendly drunken shitshow girl starts talking to her.  Drunk Chick decides the girl is her new BFF.  Alrighty then!  They do a Fireball shot together.  Yum!

Then the girl sees a Cute Guy.  They smile and say Hi, then the girl goes back to her table.  Of course, her new BFF, Drunk Chick, follows.  So the girl tells the Drunk Chick to tell the Cute Guy to come sit at their table.

And he does!

So the girl is trying to talk to the Cute Guy but the Drunk Chick is also hitting on the Cute Guy.  Finally, frustrated with the distraction, Cute Guy informs Drunk Chick that the Girl is actually his girlfriend.  They're getting married June 24th.  But they go to bars and pretend to be strangers occasionally, to keep the spice in their relationship.

The girl jumps right in and plays along, telling Drunk Chick that their wedding color is purple and the flowers are lillies.  And that she and Cute Guy have been together for two years.

"But how do you not get mad when girls like me hit on your man?" Drunk Chick inquires.

"I know he's always coming home with me," replies the girl.
"Of course I am...look at her, she's beautiful!" adds Cute Guy.

Drunk Chick totally believes every word of it. She said she KNEW Cute Guy & the girl had something special!  She put the wedding date on her phone calendar.  She plans to attend.

When the bar closed, the Cute Guy asked the Girl for her phone number.  "Of course!"  she said.  "How else can we finalize our wedding plans?"

Yep - it's a true story!

What the Duck?!

I was driving home from work yesterday, tired but happy because I was going to see Heather & Hayleigh and get some baby snuggle time. I was cruising along, singing along with the radio, and I noticed a bird in the road in front of me. Usually, they fly away before I get too close, but this one didn't move. As I swerved around it, I realized it was a duck. In the middle of the highway, in the middle of cow pastures.

WTD? (what the duck?!?)

It seemed to be trying to get out of the road, but it wasn't able to. I quickly made a U-turn and pulled the car over. I was hoping to help him off of the road, and maybe call a Wildlife Officer to help the poor little guy out. As I was walking towards the duck, a truck came around the corner.

"Please don't squish him, please don't squish him," I thought. Fortunately, the truck was in the outside lane, and the duck was in the inside lane.

I was almost there, walking through the grassy median, when two vehicles came around the corner. A truck on the outside lane, and a VW Beetle on the inside lane.

"Please don't squish him, please don't squish hiNOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And in a flurry of feathers, the duck was no more.

The driver didn't even try to swerve, and didn't even tap his brakes! He just zoomed right by us.
Mother Ducker!!!

Seriously, I was mortified. It was awful. I just stood there for a minute, stunned, then slowly walked back to my car.

Fuck a duck.