Waiting to Breathe

I feel like I am holding my breath, waiting to let it out, waiting, waiting....

I'm waiting for a lot of things; my birthday, Mother's Day, my son's high school graduation, summer vacation, my niece's wedding......

But that's not what has me waiting to breathe.

I can feel the tension in my neck and in my back, the tightness in my chest. From stress. From being wound so tightly.

I am waiting.

I'm waiting to see what the Judge is going to decide about Andrew's BM. Will she continue to have chances to assert her "parental rights"? He is emotionally and physically affected by what's going on with her right now. He is going through more than any child should have to go through. It's painful to watch.

And that's not all I'm waiting for.

My daughter Elayna has been having chronic headaches. They have become more and more frequent, and then she began having dizzy spells that would last for hours and cause her to have to lie down and rest, sometimes for hours. They have affected her life. I thought perhaps it was her vision, maybe she just needed glasses. But she saw her pediatrician last week and her vision is 20/20. Her doctor suspects migraines, but because of her family history, she has ordered an MRI. Because my son, Elayna's brother, has Chiari Malformation, and her symptoms are very similar to his.

I'm waiting.

I'm waiting for the phone call to tell me when her MRI will be.

Then I'll be waiting for the results. To see if my world is going to come crashing down yet again.

I try to keep myself busy, my mind occupied, so I am not obsessively worrying.

I am watching my two youngest children hurt; one emotionally, one physically. And waiting to see if there is anything I can do to help either of them; to ease their pain.

I wish I could take the pain away from both of them and make it mine.

My breaths are quick and shallow. Because I can't really breathe; not until I have answers. Not until I know.