Hug Your Mama

I mentioned a few weeks ago that my best friend Danielle was getting married for the fourth time.

A little background - Danielle has been my best friend since I was about 15 years old.

November 2012

 For her whole life, she was passed around from relative to relative.  Her "mother" could never be bothered to take care of her.

She's the only child that Jeanette had (thank God) and apparently the woman possesses no maternal instinct. Danielle was raised by, at various times, both grandparents, an aunt, her father, and probably a few others.
Jeanette (I can't even call her "mother" except for explanation purposes) has always been in and out of Danielle's life.  I don't think she ever lived with her except as a baby.  At times Danielle has tried to walk away and cut her out of her life, but she can never bring herself to tell Jeanette no when she comes crawling back and begging Danielle to have a relationship with her.

The last falling-out was probably the worst.  Jeanette literally told Danielle that she hated her.  And I am not just being biased when I say that Danielle is truly one of the most wonderful people I know.  There are many others who would say the same thing, and I am proud to call her my best friend and someone who ALWAYS has my back.

But after a few months, maybe even a year, Jeanette came crawling back once again and Danielle gave her YET ANOTHER chance to be in her life.  They have spent time together and have been working on rebuilding their relationship.

For Danielle's wedding last Saturday, Jeanette was to light Danielle's side of the unity candle and bring devilled eggs for the reception.
The wedding was supposed to start at 3pm.  Danielle's hair and makeup took longer than expected so we were running behind.

Right around 3pm, someone came in and very gently informed Danielle that Jeanette was not there yet.  She was supposed to be there early for a quick run-through 'rehearsal'.  Not only did she not make it early, obviously, but she wasn't even there when the wedding was supposed to start.

that's me in the corner

Between hair, makeup, and trying to keep Danielle from having a meltdown...the wedding didn't start until 4pm.
Jeanette still wasn't there.

She never showed up.  Turns out the night before, she'd went on a drinking and drug binge.  Her boyfriend didn't even know where she was.  Clearly that was more important to her than showing up for her one and only child's wedding.

It frustrates me that Danielle keeps letting Jeanette into her life, and giving her the power to hurt her.  BUT at the same time - I can't IMAGINE how much it hurts for your own Mother not to truly care about you.  My mom and I have had a few issues here and there, but I know that she loves me unconditionally and would NEVER be a no-show at any important event in my life.

Throughout the ceremony, as happy as I know Danielle was, I could see the pain in her eyes, and I just hurt for her.  I don't care if its a fourteenth wedding - it's her DAUGHTER.  If she says she's going to be there, she should be there - PERIOD.  If she didn't want to come for whatever reason, she should have told her that in advance - not ruined her wedding by causing her pain just before the ceremony began.

Danielle and her very lucky husband

So if you have a mom who would never do such a hurtful thing to you - be thankful.
Not everyone is so lucky.

We're Going to be Okay

My kids and I.  We're going to be okay.
We're going to be okay because we are strong and we are resilient.
We don't much care what other people think.
What makes us happy goes beyond what people think SHOULD make us happy.
We dance to our own beat.
Even when circumstances are not what most people consider ideal, we are still okay.
Even when circumstances SUCK, we are alright.
We understand what truly matters in life.
We make the best of what we do have.
When life is difficult, we don't give up.  We don't feel sorry for ourselves and mope around.  We may scream or cry or curl up in bed.  But WE GET UP.  And we keep going.  We fight for what we want. And we know that regardless of the outcome, we will be okay.
Because we have each other, and we love each other.  And when you have a love like that, you will be okay.
Nobody can take that away from you.

this pic is a few years old but I just LOVE it!!  =)  

A First of Many Firsts

When my youngest child came to me asking about shaving her legs, a few thoughts ran through my head.
First of all: Wasn't she just born, like, last week? And now she's ELEVEN years old? How does this happen?
And then: OMG she's going to cut herself to pieces.
The thing is, she does need to shave. Her legs are quite hairy (sorry, kid), and we live in Florida. Shorts are worn year-round.
I just wasn't sure I was ready for yet another "first".
She's my last child. So all of her "firsts" are also "lasts"...her first Christmas was the last first Christmas I'd ever experience with a child. Same for her first steps, first words, first smile...
Her first day of Kindergarten nearly brought me to my knees!
And then there are those precious firsts...like last year when she and I sat on a dock and she saw her first shooting star. Priceless!
So here we are again, with yet another first. Her first time shaving her legs.
At first we tried the non-razor approach. We used a foam hair remover. It worked....somewhat. It left her stubbly and not smooth, and it was kind of a hassle, what with having to time how long the product was on her skin. "MOM!! Has it been five minutes yet?!?!"
So I finally let her move on to *gasp* razors.
And it really wasn't as bad as I thought.
I had visions of my own wounds from years past. I have had some lovely shaving-related injuries, which I won't elaborate on...you can thank me later. But times have changed, and the products available now are so much better.
I love that there are products specifically geared to women now. They smell fantastic and are made for the contours of our legs instead of men's faces.
The products we prefer are Venus Embrace & Satin Care Passionista Fruit shave gel. The Satin Care has a sparkling, fruity scent and is without a doubt the key to silky legs. It feels great!
And I love the Venus Embrace for Elayna. It has 5 blades for a close, comfortable shave. It also has a Ribbon of Moisture, for a smooth glide. This is so important...remember my flashbacks of shaving injuries past?? It also features a soft grip handle for great control, which also helps prevent those nicks and cuts.

So all in all, this was a good "first". She feels a little more grown-up and likes having silky smooth legs. I feel reassured that she's not going to cut herself up while getting those silky smooth legs. I'm glad these products are available now to help us get through one of many firsts in life! If you have a first-time shaver in your home, you should check out some of these great tips from Venus Embrace!

I know she's starting to pay more attention to her appearance and I want to make sure she's getting the right information from me. What are some of the ways you tackle conversations like shaving (or other "firsts") with your daughter?

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Remembering CJ

I've posted here before about my dear bloggy friend Hallie, who lost her beloved son, CJ, to suicide.

Hallie & her family are never far from my thoughts. I can't even wrap my head around what she has been through, what her life is like now.

I can tell you that it has affected my relationship with my children, particularly my son, and his friends. I don't tiptoe around, fearful of doing or saying the wrong thing....but I am mindful. Mindful that suicide does happen. Nobody is immune, and it happens to those you would least expect it to. I try to make sure my children know that no matter what, I love them unconditionally, and they can always come to me with their problems. I don't want to lose them and then wonder if they knew how much I loved them.

Recently, one of my son's friends came to me at a low period in his life. Like a lot of kids his age (19), he's trying to figure out where he fits in in the world, and what he wants to do with his life, and he was feeling like he wasn't in a very good place in life. I tried to choose my words so carefully, to encourage him that it was normal for him to be at this place at this time. And to encourage him to find his passion in life, set goals, and go for it. But most of all to let him know that I love him unconditionally for who he is. He has two wonderful parents who love him that way too, but sometimes kids think "they're my parents, they have to love me". I wanted him to know that I CHOOSE to love him that much, because he deserves it, and because he's smart and kind and amazing. Did I change his life, or even make a huge difference? I don't know. He was very sweet and thankful. We talked for hours over two days. I only hope and pray that I helped him in some way. I also hope and pray that my kids can come to me at times like that, and if not me, someone else who will encourage them and pull them through.

That being said, Hallie is doing a fundraiser in honor of her beloved CJ, and I wanted to bring attention to that here. It's a raffle and for every dollar you donate, you get a chance to win one of 16 different prize packages.

Hallie's Fundraiser

Hallie, I will never, ever forget you or CJ. I send you my love.

Let me tell you about my kids.

Let me tell you something about my kids.

When I say my kids are awesome....

it does not mean I think they're perfect. It does not mean I turn a blind eye to their mistakes & shortcomings. It simply means I love them anyway. And I focus on the positive.

When I say I am proud of my kids...

it does not mean they never do anything wrong. It means they screw up, but they handle the situation well. They take responsibility and face the consequences.

Life is not about NOT making mistakes - it's how you handle those mistakes. Owning up, and learning from it.

When I say that my kids and I are very close...

it does not mean that I am their friend or that I try to get on their level. It just means that I have worked very hard to keep the lines of communication wide open between myself and my kids. And for the most part, I've done a damned good job of that.

When I say that I have been a good Mom...

it does not mean that I think I have been a perfect mom, that I have not made mistakes. It means that I have done my best, with the best of intentions and a heart full of love.

When I say that I love my kids unconditionally...

that is EXACTLY what I mean. No matter what my kids do, I will always love them with all my heart. I may be hurt, disappointed, or sad, but I'll always love them. I'll always have their backs. I will never turn my back on them.

Visit Things I Can't Say for more Pour Your Heart Out posts.

The Wisdom of a Child

I pull up in the driveway, and she comes running out. "CYNNNY!"

She is a short, miniature version of my oldest daughter, Shelbie.

"What you doing, Cynny? You picking up Shelbie and Layna?"

"Cynny, you stay here with us?"
"No, baby, that would be awkward."

She reaches her arms up to give me a hug & kisses my cheek.

She is my children's half-sister, their father's youngest child. She looks so much like my daughter Shelbie at that age, sometimes it's scary.

The ex-spouse/half-sibling/step-sibling relationships are confusing to anyone, but a three year old has no understanding of it all. She just knows that I'm Timmy and Shelbie and Layna's mommy. She has no reason not to like me, so she likes me. Simple as that. And to her parents' credit, they haven't done anything to discourage that.

My children's father, his wife, and I can not get along. The reasons for that are many and complicated and not the point of this post.

But the innocence of a child sees none of that. It's so simple and refreshing, and you can't help but wonder...who is the wisest one of us all?

{all photos are of Shelbie at about 3 years old.}

Pouring My Heart Out with Shell

DysFUNctional MOMents

I have so much going on right now, it's completely crazy!
BUT...they're all good things. So I'm not complaining!I am, however, late for my own meme. Again.



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The other night Shelbie asked me to paint her fingernails. I reminded her that I'm really not very good at painting nails, but she whined and begged, so I finally agreed to shut her up because I am so sweet.

So, I painted her nails while she watched TV. And basically made a hot mess. When I was done, she looked at her nails, said "Oh.My.God." and promptly got out the nail polish remover.

I've never been very girly-girl myself. I'm pretty low-maintenance. I can't do hair. I can't do nails. And I have two daughters.

It's time to face facts; I suck at being a Girl Mom!

Link up if you wanna! Obviously it doesn't have to be today, since I can't even get to my own meme on time!

Fraggin' from the End of my Rope

~ It's been a rough week, emotionally draining, and today was the worst! I'm at the end of my rope, for sure.

~ Among other stresses, today John went to the end of our dirt road, as usual, to pick up the Littles off of the bus. Andrew got off...but not Elayna. It took us 30 minutes to figure out where my child was! She missed the first-run bus, so the school dean put her on a second-run bus. She didn't tell anyone, so nobody knew where she was. The secretary finally learned, via the bus driver, what had happened and that she had been dropped off, so we had to rush back to the bus stop. Meanwhile she had already walked all the way home. She was scared, we were scared, it was just a very scary time!

~ Thanks for voting in the bedtime poll. My MIL decided I put Andrew to bed too early. They go to bed at 9pm at the earliest; on nights where they have soccer or other activities it's even later. And they get up at 6am! John works nights so it's just me and the kids Monday - Friday. I just love how she wants to tell ME what to do in my home! Grrr.


~ Speaking of MIL, Andrew, & stress...getting Andrew back after an entire summer at MIL's, where there are basically no rules, is challenging, to put it mildly.

~ Okay, I have to confess to a bloggy pet peeve. When the name you use for comments has nothing to do with your blog, and/or is a very common name, I never know who is commenting unless I click the name and visit the profile. I have several people with the same name who comment frequently, and sometimes I assume they are all the same person and don't realize I have a new commenter who I should be visiting. It would be SO awesome if you could use (for example) the name "Mary @ Totally Awesome Blog" or "Totally Awesome Blogger" for comments!
*WHEW* I feel better now.



~ Thanks for participating in/commenting on my new meme, DysFUNctional MOMents! I think it will be fun and I really hope it catches on and takes off.



~ My guest post is up now over at Single Mom in the South! =)

~ The BFF & I sang this last Friday night at Karaoke. It's kind of our theme song! ;-)

Have a GREAT weekend!

Visit Mrs 4444 for more Friday Fragment fun!

WWTK - This is deep stuff!

I'm joining in with Mamarazzi & Queso again this Wednesday for We Want to Know!
1. What is the best advice someone has ever given you?To accept the things I cannot change. It's allowed me to let go and stop stressing about things that were extremely frustrating to me. Sometimes you just have to step back and accept that you've done all that you can do.
2. What is your greatest accomplishment?Raising my kids. Through all the craziness and fun dysFUNction, they are turning out to be pretty awesome people.
3. Who do you admire?My best friend, Danielle. She has been through so much in her life, but she never plays the victim role. She's a wonderful mother, and has a huge heart and loves very deeply, even those who have hurt her in the past. She's forgiving and doesn't hold a grudge.
4. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?I would have more patience. I am a very impatient person, and it causes me a lot of frustration. Also, no gray hair! ;-)
5. How do you want to be remembered?As someone who helps those in need, without expectation of reward. I don't just mean the hungry or homeless; for example, the other day some people I had just met locked their keys in their car. So I used our AAA service to get a locksmith out there for them. They were so happy! I think helping our 'neighbors' and taking care of one another is what life is all about. And that includes animals as well.
Join in this fun Meme! Just visit one of the hosts (linked above) for the questions & rules.

DysFUNctional MOMents Tuesday!

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I started this blog almost four years ago (in fact, next month is my blogiversary!). I named it "Putting the FUN in DysFUNctional", and became known as DysFUNctional Mom. So, it's no secret that I have my DysFUNctional MOMents, and I am pretty sure that YOU do too.

(yes, I'm looking at YOU!)

And now, the time has come for you to share them. Whether they're just funny, or a big oops, or even something that you really screwed up....we want to hear about them. And then, we want you to link up here! And it doesn't always have to be a parenting moment. We have dysfunctional moments of all types!

My favorite DysFUNctional MOMent of the past week is when I posted this as my Facebook status:

Cyndy: Is it too late to decide I dont want any children?

August 16 at 7:02pm via mobile · Privacy: · ·

• Sara, Alyssa, Nancy and 11 others like this.

My kids were driving me NUTS that day! And fortunately, most of my Facebook friends get my sense of humor. Especially since I posted this the next day:

Cyndy: "A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never let her down. He will comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions. He will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible ...No, wait. Sorry. I'm thinking of wine. It's wine that does all that. Never mind." - April Pierce

See? I have "wife" DysFUNctional MOMents, too! (I totally couldn't resist that one.)

And in keeping with the Facebook post theme, I'm sharing yet another one. I've had a raging toothache all weekend, and went to the dentist today. I need a root canal & I'm on meds for now. So this exchange occurred tonight between my niece and I:

Heather: Piiizzzzza for dinnah... big surprise?! Ehh, not so much!

4 hours ago via mobile · ·

• You and 2 others like this.
• • 

    Cyndy send some over here. lol my kids are making their own ramen noodles while i sit here in a vicodin-induced fog. lol #momfail

OK, don't leave me hanging, I know I'm not the only one with DysFUNctional MOMents.

So, join in and link up.

Like all the other link-ups out there, please link directly to your "DysFUNctional MOMents" post, and please add my adorable "DysFUNctional MOMents" button to your post!

Remind Me......

This is a fictional story inspired by Mama Kat's Prompt:
1.) Write a short story prompted by your favorite song. (inspired by Melissa from Rock And Drool).

{scroll down & click play to listen to the song while you read.}

The phone is wedged between her shoulder and her ear, as she pulls laundry out of the dryer.

"I just want more, Michelle. More passion, more kisses, more affection, more attention."

"Don't we all?" replies Michelle, her best friend of many years. "Listen Stacy, after a few years of marriage, it just fades away."
"Well, it shouldn't. I feel like all I do is cook and clean and taxi kids. I'm the kids' mom and Scott's wife, but when do I get to be a woman?"

"Why don't you come out with me and the girls this weekend? We'll have a few drinks and just have a good time. You need a break!"

Stacy sighed. "I don't know....maybe."

When the weekend rolled around, Stacy made a decision. She was going to do it. She was going to go out with the girls, and have fun, and see what happened. She was tired of living this boring soccer mom life.

She squeezed into her cutest jeans and put on her lowest-cut top. She met her friends at a bar, and the more Stacy drank, the better she felt. She sang, danced and laughed with Michelle and the girls. She felt sexy. And she got attention....a lot of it. And she liked it.

And then, she saw a man walk in who immediately caught her eye. He made his way over to her, and he started talking to her. He bought her drinks. He told her she was beautiful. They laughed together. As the night progressed, she realized she felt better than she had felt in a long, long time.

They left the bar and sat in her car, and talked......and kissed. And she said to him, "This is exactly what I needed. I needed to feel wanted, and attractive. And Scott....we have got to do this more often."

{inspired by one of my favorite songs......}

Monday Mingle

Well hello there!

Today I've decided to join in with Monday Mingle over at Eighty MPH Mom.

This is my first time doing the Mingle! *waves*

I don't do vlogs. I don't watch/listen to them, I don't record them. I don't know why, they're just not my thing! So I'm doing the text version of this meme. Here we go:

1. What do you do when your child refuses to eat what you made for dinner?

For the most part, they eat what I cook. They have to at least try it. If it's something I know they don't like, I'll let them make a sandwich or some noodles. I don't make separate meals for everyone.

2. How do you handle a grumpy kid in the store?

If there's a reason for grumpiness, like being tired, I may offer a treat if they stop the whining (because in my world, grumpy always = whining). If they're just being grumpy for no good reason, I ignore them.

3. Why is being a mom (or dad) the best thing ever?

Now this makes me all teary. I have four kids, two are teenagers (ages 15 & 18), and I am so proud of them. That's one of the best things about parenting; watching them become young adults. Not only are they smart and accomplishing great things, but most importantly to me, they are becoming truly good people.

And the younger two (ages 10 & 11) are so sweetly affectionate and cuddly and fun. They still think I'm cool. I love feeding them and just taking care of them, and trying to do fun things with them, and make good memories.

And that is all! Link up with Eighty MPH Mom for Monday Mingle!

(the Monday Mingle button isn't working for me, but here's her blog button)

Holding it all together

I read this over the weekend, and thought it was one of the best things I'd ever seen. I just had to share it here:

"The way I see it, if you have four kids, you don't really have to do anything else, ever. Three kids is a handful, but one that many people manage to hold. If you're a mother of four, you definitely don't have to have a career or volunteer for the school fund-raiser or even bring an appetizer to the dinner party. In fact, people give you a lot of credit for wearing both earrings and knowing how to spell chaos and antidepressant. Four kids gives you a pass for every forgotten birthday, overlooked appointment, and missing form. Plus, you can be late for everything the rest of your life and never return phone calls. Who's gonna blame you? It's like having nonthreatening cancer, forever."

Kelly Corrigan, The Middle Place

I'd love to print this out and hand it to a few people. First on the list, my mother, who never seems to understand why I'm not on top of every single minute detail of life, and why I take forever to return her phone calls. Sure, I'm scatterbrained, but for the love of God, there's a LOT going on around here! I do have a career (although part-time), I do volunteer for some school things, and I bring more than just appetizers to all kind of functions. I even wear both earrings, and I'm a great speller! All of this on top of having four kids. I'm holding it all together, even if sometimes that means using duct tape & staples.

I also forget a lot of stuff, and misplace permission slips, and turn in forms late. Often, I'm at the grocery store the night before the school parties, buying a bag of Cheetos. But I'm managing it, the best that I can. I just wish everyone felt the way that author does (who by the way, is a mother of two, who beat breast cancer.)

But really, it's not even about how many kids you have. We're all different in personality, organization ability, coping with stress, and juggling 15 things at once. We all do our best, and we all need to give each other - and ourselves - a break!

{This is not a book review and I was not asked to do this nor compensated in any way. I checked this book out from the library and was just delighted to read that paragraph. It was a great book though, one of the best I've read lately, and I highly recommend it! }

Not My Mother's Daughter

When I opened up my email and read Mama Kat's Writing Prompts for this week, there was no doubt in my mind that I'd be participating. Prompt Number 2 jumped right out and stuck its tongue out at me. In fact, I think Mama Kat has been wandering around in my brain recently and stumbled upon that prompt, because it's been floating around there for quite some time now. I just haven't been able to make myself sit down and write it. But Mama Kat pulled it out, sat me down, and told me to get crackalacking.

So here I go.

2.) Not your mother's daughter...how do you parent differently than your mother did? Is it a good thing or a bad thing?

I love my parents. My relationship with them is complicated. But I love them, and I know they love me. And as I have become a parent, and grown as a parent, I have experienced many different feelings towards their parenting. For the most part, I have made my peace with it and accepted that everything they did, they did the best way they knew how, and they did it out of love. They truly did want the best for their kids.

But their methods weren't always the best. And the one that I think impacted me the most, the one that I was so determined to do differently with my kids, is about communication.

{I don't mean not yelling. Puh-lease! They only listen when I yell!}
No, it goes a lot deeper than that.

When I was a teenager, I couldn't talk to my parents about anything. I deeply felt the generation gap. They just weren't the type of parents that sat down with me after school and listened to me talk about my day. My mom knew who some of my friends were, but not who was dating who or which friend was mad at the other one. But more than that, I couldn't come to them with the big things. When I was scared, worried, or heartbroken, talking to my parents was the last thing I thought of doing. They expected me to do exactly what they wanted me to do without question, and if I didn't, they flipped out. My teenage years were full of secrets and lies. They were so strict and kept me on such a tight leash, that I sometimes lied about where I was going, because I knew they wouldn't let me otherwise. Not even when it was a reasonable request and of course, all of my other friends' parents let them do it.

This inability to confide in my parents, this lack of communication, did more than strain our relationship, though. It caused me tremendous pain, and nearly cost me my life. There were several times when, as a teenager, I found myself in difficult situations. Nothing that many other teens haven't experienced in the past, and will experience for the rest of time. But I could not talk to my parents about these things. I simply, absolutely, could not. And several times, I felt like my only options were to run away from home, or to kill myself. This was not the dramatic rantings of a hormonal teenager; this was the absolute terror of a teenager who felt like she had no way out of an impossible situation.

In the end, I was able to keep my secrets. There are so many things that happened to me that my parents know nothing about, and probably never will. It was hard to go through, but one thing came out of that experience: I vowed to never let that happen with my own children.

I feel like, if my kids ever feel the way I felt, it would be one of the worst parenting failures for me. I want to be the one they come to. Even though they know there will be consequences. Even though they know I may be upset. But they need to know I am there for them. My love is unconditional. I will support them and accept them. I will stand by them. I hope, and I pray, that they never, ever feel backed into a corner with no way out, they way I did. It's very hard to find a balance; I don't believe in being overly permissive. I want to keep them safe. I don't want to be their friend. It's not about being 'the cool mom'. It goes so much deeper than that.

So far, my kids are very open with me. I know they don't tell me everything, and I don't expect them to. I just want them to know that they CAN come to me, without fear of overreaction or judgement.

Do I always go about this the right way? Probably not. I don't have to tell you that parenting is tough and there is no instruction book. I have made mistakes in the past and I will make plenty more in the future. But I go about it with nothing but pure love for my children, and the deep desire for them to know that they can talk to me, especially about the important things. And the need for them to know that I will always have their back.

And that's a good thing.

~Visit Mama Kat for more Writer's Workshop Posts~

Zipping My Lips

There's a story from my mom's family that has been told and retold many times.

When my aunt and uncle were newlyweds, my Aunt Betty called my grandma crying. She and her new husband had a fight. She was terribly upset, which of course made my grandma terribly upset.

My grandma fretted for hours after that phone call. How dare her son-in-law treat her daughter that way?

Finally, she decided to go visit her daughter & her husband. They lived just a few miles away. When she arrived, my aunt and her husband were sitting on the sofa, holding hands, happy as could be. My grandma was stunned! Aunt Betty said they'd made up hours ago.

So all that time my grandma was stressing....Aunt Betty and her husband were just fine.

Aunt Betty was over it. Grandma wasn't. Because as mothers, when someone hurts our babies...it takes us longer to forgive.

The lesson that's taken away from this works two ways. One, don't call your Mama about every little spat you have with your significant other. Because the two of you will probably make up quickly, but Mama? She holds a grudge.

And on the flip side, as a Mama, don't take your kids' spats too seriously. Listen, try not to judge, and try not to stress. Because while you're stressing, they're making up and planning their happily ever after.

The flip side of this is already happening in my life. My oldest son, Tim, has been dating a girl named Jessica for over a year. They're both high school seniors. Tim is not the type to come to Mama (or anyone else) with their little spats, but sometimes, they post things on Facebook that let everyone know they're fighting. They're nowhere near as bad as many kids about plastering their relationship all over Facebook, but they do share some stuff.

And in the beginning, I would get so upset. For one thing, I really like Jessica, and I know how hard it is when your child is dating someone that you strongly dislike; my best friend is going through that right now and it's tearing her apart.

(and for me, the more my parents disliked my boyfriends, then more I liked them!)

But more than anything, I know my son would be broken hearted if they broke up. So I would worry and stress and fret for hours if they were arguing, only to learn that....you guessed it....they had made up hours before.

And that's when I remembered my Mama's family story, and realized that I have to take a step back. When I hear that they are having one of their arguments, I refuse to let myself worry about it. I brush it off, at the most maybe asking my son (jokingly) if he's being mean to Jess, and he usually blows me off. And the next thing I know, they're fine.

It happened just this week in fact....something silly was posted on Facebook. I felt that familiar flip-flop in my heart, but then reminded myself to chill out.

The next day, both Tim & Jessica came over to visit with me, both happy as could be and clearly no longer arguing.

So even when they publicize their issues on Facebook, I still stay out of it and mind my own business. No questions, no Facebook comments. If they need my advice, they'll ask for it.

It's better for everyone that way.

Moments

With four kids, it's always hard to find time to be with each individual child.

It's rare that I get a good chunk of time with just one of them, so I have to take small moments, anywhere I can get them.

The other night, my girls went with my niece to choose & order their bridesmaid dresses for her wedding. John and Tim were at work, so this left me and Andrew at home by ourselves. Shortly after they left, he came up to me and just started talking. Right away he mentioned the situation going on with his biological mother (a.k.a. the egg donor). It was obvious that it was weighing heavily on his mind and he needed to talk about it. I listened to him, and reassured him as much as I could. He seemed to feel better, and went off to play the Wii. It was just a short conversation, but those are the times that I have to take when I can get them.

That same night after the girls got home, Elayna was tired and grouchy, but didn't want to go to bed. Andrew was already asleep, and Shelbie had a friend over and they were doing karaoke in another room. Elayna laid down on the couch with her head on my lap, and I slowly ran my fingers through her hair, and stroked her head, until she was so sleepy she could barely stumble into her room. A very brief and simple thing, but a cherished moment.

The next day, Shelbie and I were talking at dinner and realized we needed a few things from the store. I decided that she and I would make a quick trip after dinner, just the two of us. Usually even for quick trips, it's the whole family or at least three kids tagging along. But occasionally, just the Teenager and I get a chance to sneak off on our own, and I love it. We laugh and tease each other. I lock her out of the car and embarrass her. And we talk. Again....a short space of time. But one that I can't take for granted. She is 15 and still wants to be seen with me. She is 15 and still likes to go places with me. She is 15 and will be grown before I know it. I have to grab these moments while I can.

And then there's Tim. Tim will be eighteen next month. He is a senior in high school. And he lives primarily with his Dad; he's with me every other week from Thursday - Monday. He has a job at a burger place. So, time with him is even harder to come by than it is with the other three. One thing that works to my advantage is being a night owl. He works late hours sometimes on the weekends, and I'm always up when he gets home, and often the only one up. We talk about anything and everything, from life in general to crazy things that happened at work. He has always had this gift of asking me questions that I either have to really think about the answer for, or have never thought of myself, or have no idea how to even answer them. He still does that. This kid makes me THINK. And then I throw something back at him that makes him think, or look at something from a different angle. We may not always agree, but we generally respect each others' opinions. We debate. And we make each other laugh. A few late night moments....and we make the most of them.

I hope I'm always able to at least have these little moments, grabbed here and there, with my kids. Where it's just the two of us, and we talk, or we listen, or we don't talk at all. I'll never outgrow it....I hope they don't either.

*Note* I did it! I blogged every day in February for NaBloPoMo! I'm so proud of myself. Don't be concerned if I take a few days off! If we get any news re: Elayna's thumb I'll update on Facebook. She's going to the orthopedic doc tomorrow.

Stretch Marks Don't Make You a Mama

The other night I was watching an episode of Intervention, one of the handful of shows I am currently obsessed with. In fact, I was pondering....what happens if you're addicted to watching Intervention? Will they do an Intervention Intervention?
Anyway.

The addict had a daughter, but the daughter had been raised by the addict's sister, because the addict had never been able to take care of her. She always chose the drug lifestyle over her child.
And you might think the addict was grateful to her sister for providing a safe, stable home for her child when she obviously couldn't. But not only was she not grateful at all, she was quite resentful. She hated that her sister and daughter had a close relationship and at one point said, "I am the mother! I can show you my stretch marks right now! I carried that kid!"

At which point I wanted to jump through the TV and smack her around a little bit.

It blows my mind that anyone can honestly think that giving birth is all it takes to make someone a mother. I guess they think that once they push that baby out, they're done - anyone can take care of the kid; they did it all in that 9 months. They got the morning sickness, and stretch marks, and birthed the child. The next 18 years of parenting apparently don't count.

It's something I could picture Andrew's "egg donor" of a mother saying. She did in fact give birth to Andrew, and even managed to stick around for 6 months. Since then, she's been in and out of Andrew's life, totally inconsistent, until 2 years ago, when she dropped out altogether.

But she gave birth to him. Her pregnancy wasn't easy; after her first child was born prematurely, she had to have a cerclage and was very closely monitored.
She went through labor and childbirth.

But it takes more than that to be a Real Mom.
A real mom invests time and love into their child, and doesn't bail when things get hard.
She's there for the fun times, and the not-so-fun times. Let's face it folks, raising kids has its share of frustration, anger, and tears. And let's just be honest....some of it is just tedious and boring. But real Moms....we do it all.

I remember Andrew's bio-mom showing up for his preschool graduation. Front and center with her camera, all teary-eyed and "proud", demanding that we give her his graduation cap (which we had purchased...she has never contributed monitarily in any way, even before she disappeared). It was sickening.

Andrew is only eleven years old, but he knows one thing. He decided on his own that it doesn't matter who gave birth to him. What matters to him is who takes him to soccer practice, who helps with his homework, who cooks his dinner every night, who throws his birthday parties.

You know....the Real Mom.

Music to my Ears

One day recently, I was talking to my teen daughter, Shelbie, and one of her friends. I brought up something that Shelbie had told me about, and her friend said, "Shelbie!! You told your Mom about that?!" And Shelbie replied, "Of course! I tell my mom everything."

I can't tell you how good that made me feel. Not because I believe for a moment that she literally tells me EVERYthing. I'm sure she has her little secrets, and she should. She's a teenager.

But when I was her age...I told my mother NOTHING. We just didn't have that kind of relationship.

I don't believe in being a 'friend' to my child. I have friends, she has friends. She doesn't need me to be another friend, my role is to be her mother. In fact, I think trying to be your kids' friend is a dangerous road to travel...but that's another post for another time.

However, ever since I was a teenager, I hoped that I could have a different kind of relationship with my kids. My mother knew nothing of my personal life. She knew who my friends were, and that was about it. She never knew who I had a crush on. She never knew my dreams, my worries, my random thoughts. We just didn't talk like that. And I could never go to her with my problems or concerns. We just didn't have that kind of relationship.


But with my kids, I do. My teenage son and I are also very close, but it's a little different with him, because he's a boy, and he doesn't talk and open up as much as his sister does. But still, we have a much closer relationship than I did with my parents, and he's told me many things that I would never have told my parents, at that age....or any age.

But Shelbie....she tells me so much. I am very involved in her life. In fact, sometimes she talks to me until my eyes cross - about her day; her friends, her crushes, her friends' crushes; clothes, music, makeup, hair; her classes, and he said, and then she said, and I was like, OMG!.....yeah. Sometimes it's exhausting!


But I wouldn't have it any other way. Because my hope is that if she tells me the little things, then she'll also know she can tell me the big things. She doesn't have to carry huge weights around on her own shoulders, like I did. She can come to me, and we can figure things out together.


So far, I think we're doing well in that regard. So even when she's chattering away at 50 words per second and my head is about to explode....it's music to my ears.

{ Shelbie, Me, and our Best Friends}

Thursday Tantrum....

.....seems like a good title for this post, although I've been having tantrums pretty much all week.
Ya know how sometimes people just seem to know just what buttons to push, and then they go out of their way to push them?
Especially little people?
Anyway.
Here is my tantrum for today:

I am FED UP with adults giving my children candy!

What is it about adults, who are in charge of my children, doling out candy all the time? Teachers, pastors, coaches, Bible school leaders, etc. They've all given candy to my kids.

I'm not talking about on holidays. I can grit my teeth and deal with the candy overload on Halloween & Valentine's Day.

But I know I'm not the only parent out there who tries to limit their kids' candy intake. We all know that candy is full of sugar, just empty calories. It causes cavities, and certain candies can ruin expensive dental work. We have a serious problem with childhood obesity in this country, and giving candy - or any junk food - frequently as a reward is sending a bad message.

So it puts me in the position of either letting it go and throwing up my hands, or taking away this "reward" my kids were given for doing a good job, behaving well, or some other good deed.

On Tuesday my son came home with a pack of Starbursts. Yes, a package, not just a couple. They were given to him by his soccer coach, whom I adore, by the way. My friend picked him up from soccer for me, so I wasn't there to say "No thanks!" to the coach. Instead, I had to be the meanie who took the Starbursts away. Andrew has had a ton of dental work at his young age; he didn't get any dental care until he was about 5 or 6. He has fillings, crowns, spacers, I don't even know what all he has in his mouth, and Starbursts could snatch all of that stuff right out. Now, Andrew knows he is not allowed to have that type of candy, but of course, he conveniently "forgot". That's another tantrum for another time.

Earlier that night, after Elayna's volleyball game, they were passing out Little Debbie Snack Cakes. One of the little girls on the team quietly asked me, "Do they have eggs in them?" We checked the package and sure enough, they contained egg whites. This little girl is a vegan, so she didn't get a treat.

I really think, if we're creative, we can come up with some good alternatives to candy. How about sugar free gum? Fruit? Stickers, tattoos, Silly Bandz?
I know that candy is cheap and easy to come by, but let's do better for our kids. They deserve it!

What do you think? Does this drive you crazy too, or am I just a Mean Mama?