That's where I've been today.
I have dark times. Fortunately, not often. But today, everything collided. Things conspired together to push me down into that dark place.
This weekend I will go to the funeral of a child for the first time in my life. Sure, he was 18 years old, but still...he was a child.
I had one of the worst dreams of my life today. So bad, I am not ready to talk about it, not with anyone. I couldn't even tell J about it. I tear up just thinking about it. It was long, incredibly realistic, and horribly sad.
I got upset about something relatively stupid. Annoying, but I made a mountain of a molehill.
I took a long, hot bath.
Then I locked myself in my room and cried.
And tonight....J called me to tell me about Spiderman getting his heart broken.
His "mother" finally took time out of her busy schedule to call and check on how he's doing. I was at work when she called. She's only seen him once, for about 10 minutes, since he moved back with us on November 1st. She hasn't called, visited, nothing. Spiderman has told us in no uncertain terms that he does not want to see her nor talk to her.
He has taken it upon himself to start referring to her by her first name, "C", never "Mommy". Nothing we say will stop him from doing this. He has begged me to change biology or go back in time and be his "actual" Mom. He finally decided that he has a "feeling" that, although nobody knows it, I really gave birth to him.
So when she called tonight and begged to talk to him, J finally said he'd ask Spiderman if he wanted to talk to her. And what he said was, "Spiderman...do you want to talk to your Mommy?" And he immediately said "Yes!" Then he took the phone, said "Hello?"...and burst into tears. And said to J..."You told me it was my Mommy but it's not, it's C!!!" And proceeded to sob hysterically.
Grief, sympathy, terrible dreams, a black mood, more sympathy....brings about darkness.
And now I have to try to find my way back into the light.