2.26.2009

Darkness

Darkness Pictures, Images and Photos

That's where I've been today.
I have dark times. Fortunately, not often. But today, everything collided. Things conspired together to push me down into that dark place.
This weekend I will go to the funeral of a child for the first time in my life. Sure, he was 18 years old, but still...he was a child.
I had one of the worst dreams of my life today. So bad, I am not ready to talk about it, not with anyone. I couldn't even tell J about it. I tear up just thinking about it. It was long, incredibly realistic, and horribly sad.
I got upset about something relatively stupid. Annoying, but I made a mountain of a molehill.
I took a long, hot bath.
Then I locked myself in my room and cried.
And tonight....J called me to tell me about Spiderman getting his heart broken.
His "mother" finally took time out of her busy schedule to call and check on how he's doing. I was at work when she called. She's only seen him once, for about 10 minutes, since he moved back with us on November 1st. She hasn't called, visited, nothing. Spiderman has told us in no uncertain terms that he does not want to see her nor talk to her.
He has taken it upon himself to start referring to her by her first name, "C", never "Mommy". Nothing we say will stop him from doing this. He has begged me to change biology or go back in time and be his "actual" Mom. He finally decided that he has a "feeling" that, although nobody knows it, I really gave birth to him.
So when she called tonight and begged to talk to him, J finally said he'd ask Spiderman if he wanted to talk to her. And what he said was, "Spiderman...do you want to talk to your Mommy?" And he immediately said "Yes!" Then he took the phone, said "Hello?"...and burst into tears. And said to J..."You told me it was my Mommy but it's not, it's C!!!" And proceeded to sob hysterically.
Grief, sympathy, terrible dreams, a black mood, more sympathy....brings about darkness.
And now I have to try to find my way back into the light.



31 comments:

C said...

awww wow. seems like we were on the same train of thought. i was gonna close and go to bed, but i felt compelled to write that poem so i just did. i hope it helps you. you have a heavy heart right now, and need to be gentle with yourself. i dont understand about J and his "C"... i will have to read your older posts. god bless you today, and know that he has his hands around you, your family, and your friends who are having the funeral. they were blessed to know him for 18 years. how sad. sending big hugs for you.

[[[[[[[[[[[you]]]]]]]]]]]]


C or should i say the other C... :)

April said...

My heart is so burdened right now for everything you're going through. No one...NO ONE should ever have to bury a child! Just isn't how it's supposed to go. Unfortunately, life happens and people get taken from us far too soon. However, God is near and He sees the pain that this tragedy has caused. He cares deeply and hurts just the same. All you can do right now is to lean on God's promise that grief and sorrow last for awhile, but joy comes in the morning.

I'll be praying about the situation with Spiderman...how hard that must be!

I'm thinking of and praying for you, my friend, now and in the coming days...GOD BLESS!

Twisted Fencepost said...

I will keep you in my prayers.
We all have these days. We all lock ourselves in a room and cry. I am sorry to hear about your friends child. May they find peace and comfort.
Maybe tomorrow will be a little better. And each day a little better than the one before. I'm praying that it will be so.

mommaof4wife2r said...

sometimes it's the dark times where we see the light times being so good...

i am still very, very sorry for your loss and for all you are battling. all big stuff. poor dear.

Jennifer said...

Oh no--I'm so sorry! Your dream sounds so scary--I know how bad dreams can seem so realistic that they can color your whole day. I will be crossing my fingers that you feel better soon!

Tammie said...

please hang in there cyndy.
hopefully you'll get out of the darkness soon.
love ya.
:)

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

So sorry you a having such a sad time. I hope things turn around for you soon! Hugs!

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

One breath at a time.
One step at a time.
One day at a time.

That's all you need to do.

Hallie

Kat said...

Ugh. Dark, indeed. I'm so sorry.

And poor Spiderman. That is just heartbreaking. But on a positive side (I know, I'm trying to find one for ya) thank GOD Spiderman has you. Really. You are such a gift to him.

Hattie said...

I totally understand where you r coming from, but remember Mommy Warriors always come out of the darkness and into the light! Our little ones lift us up and fill our hearts with love!

Momisodes said...

I am so very sorry. No one should ever have to bury a child. My heart aches for you. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers through this tough time. And keeping positive thoughts for you to find that light very soon.

pb&j in a bowl said...

I'm praying for you and your family. Sometimes we need the dark to appreciate the light even more.

Designher Momma said...

ugh. will be thinking/praying for you this weekend. Thanks for such an honest, heartfelt post.

Ness said...

I am so sorry for the loss of this young person.

Feel your feelings.
Listen to your heart.
It will tell you when it's time to come back into the light.

Love you. Mean It.

Lex the mom said...

Definitely a rough go, today & to come soon. I am so sorry you are going through so much at once. Isn't that how it seems it happens way too often?

& about Spiderman - I have no words. It's terribly sad. How a grown woman doesn't know (or chooses not to acknowledge) the impact she is having on her own flesh & blood is beyond me.

The light will be there, soon - it always comes back to us.

Thanks so much for the congrats on my first grandchild! I'm elated to be able to see her, finally!

C said...

....look for the light house, hon. it will guide you.

C

Shannon said...

UGH!! I hate those days. But then sometimes I feel like a good cry and it helps me get it out. Someday Spiderman will learn that his "mama's" loss is your gain, even if she never realizes that. My nephew is in a similar situation with his dad.
I, too, had such a realistic dream when I was pregnant that I woke up crying b/c I thought my hubby was dead and I'd have to raise our baby by myself. Took me a few days to shake it.....
hugs to you!

Mrs4444 said...

Okay, but those photos are very beautiful. I'm glad you are the light for that little boy.

Christine said...

Wow, I just want to reach out and give you a big hug. Turn to Him.... He will shed some light on you.

Jenni Jiggety said...

I'm sorry for your loss and for the jumble of bad stuff all at once...

Tara R. said...

One of my greatest fears is to outlive one of my kids. I cannot imagine what your friend, and you, are going through. My heart breaks for Spiderman too. He's so lucky to have you in his life.

Nicki said...

Tell Spiderman that sometimes in life we learn that our REALEST family is the people around us who we love the most. C will always be his mother, but you can certainly also be his Mommy, even without changing biology and going back in time!

OHmommy said...

beautiful photos C,.. sometimes we need to see the darkness before we visualize the light.

John Deere Mom said...

Oh man, that's rough. Hope you emerge from the darkness soon. Poor Spiderman...so rough on a kid. If only these "parents" could see what they do to their children.

Buddha's Place said...

Dang Girl, hang in there, your in my thoughts and prayers. I totally get where Spiderman is. If you can be there for him he will overcome this someday. I'm glad your there to fill his mommy void. I send you tons of hugs!

anymommy said...

So hard. I'm catching up and I want you to know that I read this and I'm thinking of you.

Wep said...

Poor Spidey. At least he's found the mom he's always wanted...

Jenners said...

What a difficult thing to have to go through ... not only attending a funeral for a young person but to have to deal with a child who is caught in such a difficult situation. But what a blessing that he sees you as his mother.

A Buns Life said...

I hope you are feeling better now....you do so much and care so much for so many people, please don't forget to take care of YOU too. My arms are wrapped around during this tough time. xoxoxo

iMommy said...

Oh, I am so sorry. For you, for Spiderman, for everyone's loss.

I hope you're getting through it. Good wishes and hugs your way.

Marivic_Little GrumpyAngel said...

I hope you have made it out of the dark. Spiderman should be comforted with the thought that even if you did not mother him by bearing him in your womb, he was born in your heart and has a special place always.