100 Funnies

This is my 100th Post. :::pause for cheers and applause:::
There's no way in heck I'm going to try to think of 100 interesting things about me.
So, I decided to instead post 100 Funnies. I guess I should post a warning; I have a pretty warped sense of humor so some people may find these offensive.
I hope you enjoy!



One of the funniest things to ever get FWD'ed all over the net:


Rejected Children's Book Titles
1. You're different and that's bad.
2. Valuable protein and other nutrients from your nose.
3. Fun Four Letter Words to Know and Share.
4. The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking.
5. Kathy was so bad her Mother stopped loving her.
6. Curious George and the High Voltage Fence.
7. All Cats go to Hell.
8. The Little Sissy that snitched (and mysteriously died).
9. Why can't Mr. Fork and Mr. Electrical Outlet be friends?
10. That's it, I'm putting you up for adoption!
11. Your rotten dad gets a casket.
12. 101 things you can do at the bottom of a pool.
13. The magic world inside the abandoned refrigerator.
14. Controlling the playground: Respect through fear.
15. The pop-up book of human anatomy.
16. Strangers have the best candy!
17. Whining, kicking, and crying to get your way.
18. You were an accident.
19. Things rich kids have but you never will!
20. Your nightmares are real!
21. You've got Hepatitis-B Charlie Brown!
22. The Boy who died from eating all his Veggies.

These make me SNORT.


Funny Church Bulletin Mistakes
These are ACTUAL announcements from ACTUAL church bulletins.

1. Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

14. A bean supper well be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

16. The Reverend Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

17. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

18. During the absence of our pastor we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Scubbs supplied our pulpit.

19. With a smile on his face, the pastor listened as the church choir sang the traditional hymn, "How Great Thou Art", as the rather large casket of the over 500 pound parishioner was wheeled out of the church. (submitted by Michael J. Lee, Website, Email)

20. Following this morning's message will be a pubic profession of faith. (submitted by Rick Moore, Website, Email)

21. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

22. Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

23. The Associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday - "I upped my pledge - up yours!"

24. A song listed in the Church Bulletin at the Nazarene Church in Little Rock, Arkansas; in connection with a sermon on God's mantle..."Let's God Mangle Fall on Me." (submitted by Luella Long)

25. Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

26. The choir will meet at the Larsen home for fun and sinning.

27. A song fest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.

28. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

29. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.

30. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say, "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

31. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

32. The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell on her.

33. Today, Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1pm-8pm. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

34. Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

35. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

36. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

37. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

38. Evening massage -- 6 p.m.

39. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

40. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

41. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

42. Ushers will eat latecomers.

43. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

44. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

45. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, 'The Lord Knows Why.'

46. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

47. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to Church secretary.

48. 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some of the older ones.

49. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.


Book Titles You Won't Find in Your Local Library:

















These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."

In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"

On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."


Random Twisted Jokes:

A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And finally, Mistakes on Resumes:


These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs."

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

THE END! Hope you enjoyed my 100th Post.