Waiting to Breathe

I feel like I am holding my breath, waiting to let it out, waiting, waiting....

I'm waiting for a lot of things; my birthday, Mother's Day, my son's high school graduation, summer vacation, my niece's wedding......

But that's not what has me waiting to breathe.

I can feel the tension in my neck and in my back, the tightness in my chest. From stress. From being wound so tightly.

I am waiting.

I'm waiting to see what the Judge is going to decide about Andrew's BM. Will she continue to have chances to assert her "parental rights"? He is emotionally and physically affected by what's going on with her right now. He is going through more than any child should have to go through. It's painful to watch.

And that's not all I'm waiting for.

My daughter Elayna has been having chronic headaches. They have become more and more frequent, and then she began having dizzy spells that would last for hours and cause her to have to lie down and rest, sometimes for hours. They have affected her life. I thought perhaps it was her vision, maybe she just needed glasses. But she saw her pediatrician last week and her vision is 20/20. Her doctor suspects migraines, but because of her family history, she has ordered an MRI. Because my son, Elayna's brother, has Chiari Malformation, and her symptoms are very similar to his.

I'm waiting.

I'm waiting for the phone call to tell me when her MRI will be.

Then I'll be waiting for the results. To see if my world is going to come crashing down yet again.

I try to keep myself busy, my mind occupied, so I am not obsessively worrying.

I am watching my two youngest children hurt; one emotionally, one physically. And waiting to see if there is anything I can do to help either of them; to ease their pain.

I wish I could take the pain away from both of them and make it mine.

My breaths are quick and shallow. Because I can't really breathe; not until I have answers. Not until I know.

BM Update

If you didn't read yesterday's post, you may want to read it first.

So, when we got to the psychiatrist's office, instead of us waiting in the waiting room, they put us in the kids' playroom in the back, so that Andrew's initial meeting with BM didn't have to be in the waiting room. Then his doctor came to the playroom and talked to Andrew about everything, and he got really upset, crying, etc. So she decided that this time, she was going to talk to BM privately and not make Andrew see her. She felt like it would be very traumatic for him. So, we left, then she called BM back to answer any questions she may have re: Andrew's treatment, and explain to her how Andrew reacts to the subject of her and visiting her. We will call the doctor tomorrow to see how that went.

Then John, BM and the lawyers will meet again, and we can only hope that she backs off and does what's best for Andrew.

He was SO relieved not to have to see her today. I just hope & pray that she backs off, and this wasn't just prolonging the inevitable.

We will see.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow, Andrew has an appointment with his psychiatrist. His biological "mother" (a.k.a. BM) has been "invited" to this appointment.

We are not certain if BM is coming or not, neither she nor her attorney have confirmed.

Also, BM has had our phone number for almost four weeks and hasn't called her son at all.

I am trying not to post much here, because at the last appointment, I got the feeling that BM/her attorney are placing blame on ME. I have reason to believe that they are using me as an excuse, saying that I pushed BM out of Andrew's life.

As many of you who have read here for a long time already know, that could not be further from the truth. I could sit here for hours listing the ways we tried our very best to facilitate BM's relationship with Andrew for years, until finally she pulled her disappearing act. I never pushed her away; I simply stepped in when she stepped out. I filled the void that she left. Period.

Anyway, just in case her attorney googles me, I don't want to give them anything they can twist in BM's favor. The facts back up everything we have said and nothing BM has said. And I wish that they would remember that this is about ANDREW, not BM, not me. It's supposed to be about what's best for HIM. Not her. Not John. Not me.

So, what I'm asking is for prayers for Andrew. He is extremely anxious about tomorrow. No matter how many times we reassure him, he is just so worried and scared. So, if you can remember him in your prayers, and especially if you can remember tomorrow about 4pm EST to just send him good thoughts, prayers, vibes, etc......we would all be so grateful.

And thank you for all of the support and kindness you have shown us already.

I Have a Pissy List.

Last week, I had a Happy List.

Today, I have a Pissy List.

Feel free to let me know in comments what would go on your Pissy List.

These are the things that just Piss.Me.Off.

{OK just some of the things.

There isn't enough space in the whole interwebz for all of them.}

1. selfish people.

2. partial feeds in my Google reader.

3. the fact that absentee parents retain their 'rights'.

4. the fact that nobody fills the dogs' water dish except for me.

5. captchas.

6. Adam on Teen Mom 2.

7. Jenelle on Teen Mom 2.

8. The fact that I watch Teen Mom 2.

9. winter.

10. the fact that the old western motto of "some people just need killin" is no longer a valid defense.

11. when I really want to reply to your comment, and then I see that you are a "no-reply" commenter.

12. when people say "I could care less".

13. when people mix up YOUR and YOU'RE.

14. and use an apostrophe before 's' when it's not necessary.

15. broken nails.

Although I'm in such a LOVELY mood that I could do this for hours, I'll stop now.

What's on your Pissy List?

Lord, Keep Your Arm Around My Shoulder And Your Hand Over My Big Mouth.

I need to jump on my broom and get outta here.

This week has been a little bit busy, and a little bit CRAZY. I keep saying "I need a vacation!" which is kind of funny because I'm not technically working right now, at least not outside the home. But at least it's Friday, time for the weekend and time for Fragging!

By the way, I've had a few people ask me if I'm a gamer when I use the term 'fragging'. I have no idea what that even means, but in my world, Fragging is all about Friday Fragments at Half Past Kissin' Time. Check it out!

I finally added the code to take the border off of my graphics & page dividers. Mrs 4444 will be so proud of me!



You might remember I mentioned buying the tea cups & saucers for Elayna's birthday tea party. I got 8 cups, 8 saucers, and a creamer. I found them at Goodwill; the cups & creamer were .59 cents each and the saucers were .29 cents each. The pattern is really pretty and I decided to look them up on the internet.
They are selling for $5-$10 per piece! And I have 17 pieces. I think I scored a great deal! Now I need to go see if they have any more.

Some of you will be happy to know that, after I posted the Don't Hate Me Because.... post, the temperatures have dropped and it's been storming.
Guess it serves me right for bragging!

Are you following me on my blogging Facebook page? If not, um, why not? Anyway, I posted this there last week:

Cyndy DysfunctionalMom
My kids drive me crazy but I kept having more. My pets drive me crazy but I keep acquiring more. Thank GOD it's illegal to marry more than one man!!!

Next week will involve psych visits & lawyer visits re: Andrew & his egg donor situation. I am trying very hard not to stress about these things yet. I've promised myself that I will have a relaxing weekend, and not think about all of the stressors until Monday. Let's hope that works out for me. I think a quick weekend getaway is in order.



What are y'all doing for the Superbowl? We are going to our church's second annual Superbowl party. We watch the game on the big screen and have awesome food & just hang out. It's a lot of fun. I'm making a buffalo chicken dip that I read about on one of my favorite food blogs; I'll post all about it on my food blog later.
And who are you rooting for? My husband's late father was a HUGE Packers fan, so we're going to be Packer Backers on Sunday in his honor.



I heard this song for the first time this week, although apparently it's not new. It just appeals to me for some reason. Enjoy! And have a great weekend.

Chocolate: The Perfect Expression of Love.

It's actually been a relatively uneventful week, so I don't have a whole lot of Fragments floating around. Just a few things to share.....

We met with & hired an attorney this week regarding the situation with Andrew's" egg donor". He is totally confident that this will go in our favor (that is, Andrew's favor). He is the attorney who represented John when they established custody previously, so he knows the history. We are prepared to fight this every step of the way using every legal tactic possible, because we so strongly feel that her presence in Andrew's life would be extremely detrimental to him (as does his psychiatrist). We feel much better now that we have the attorney fighting for us!

I have not been feeling well this week and posted on Facebook last night: "Mama needs chocolate!"

When John came home from work, he handed me two Hershey bars. I heart him.

If you missed yesterday's post, Our Story of Loss (why we walk for March for Babies), please check it out. If you are able to give a little to help the babies, we greatly appreciate it! Every little bit helps. And those of you who already donated - I love you! Thank you so much.

Elayna heard this song on the radio the other night and cracked up! I love Brad Paisley. He has an awesome sense of humor.

Enjoy!

and don't forget to visit Mrs 4444's for more Friday Fragments.

Relief.

re·lief    
[ri-leef]–noun
1. alleviation, ease, or deliverance through the removal of pain, distress, oppression, etc.
2. a means or thing that relieves pain, distress, anxiety, etc.

When Mama Kat posted her writing prompts this week, I really wanted to join in. The one that really called out to me was #3.) A moment you truly felt relieved.
But the relief I was really needing, hadn't come yet.

I posted recently about the situation with Andrew's biological mother. I don't want to say a whole lot about it here. But we have learned that they are not backing down, and she's still telling lies. No surprise there. But originally, John's mom, my MIL, said if we had to get a lawyer, she would pay for it. Then more recently, she said that she wouldn't.

We cannot pay for a lawyer. You know the drill; economy, I'm not working full time & haven't started getting paid for my part time work yet, blah blah blah. You've heard the story a million times; it's the same thing so many people are going through right now.

We finally had to talk to Andrew about the whole situation and his reaction, while expected, was very sad. He still doesn't want to see her, and he didn't take the news well at all.

So I have been stressing myself sick today. Worrying so much about him, worrying that the court would believe Bio-mom's lies. Worrying that, with her having a lawyer and us not having one, she would prevail. Worried that he would be forced to go to her home all by himself, which he is so very afraid of.

And then....relief came. For whatever reason, MIL has changed her mind again. We have an appointment with an attorney next week. Thank GOD. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me.

Not that I won't worry, but I know now that we will have someone fighting for us. Someone who knows what the heck he's doing. Someone who can help us carry this burden.

Sweet, sweet, relief.

Friday Fragments: The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly

I'm working hard at keeping in the Christmas spirit, even though Scrooge herself crawled out of her hell-hole and made an appearance this week.

Really, I shouldn't insult Scrooge like that. Anyway, Andrew's "biological mother" (I think I just threw up in my mouth) came out of the woodwork again, this time through the court system, lying & manipulating as usual. We have plenty of defensive measures, including his psychiatrist who has said many times that she would testify on our behalf if this ever happened, that it is not in A's best interest to see Satan's Spawn. Not to mention emails between the two of us, because I save EVERYTHING. I am just sick that she is so selfish that she wants to shake up his stable, secure life. But, your good thoughts & prayers are deeply needed and appreciated, and I will update you all as things progress.

(For those of you who aren't regulars and have no idea what I'm talking about, you can read here or here for some background, or search "Andrew" and/or "Spiderman" ([when I first started blogging, I used pseudonyms]).

OK, that takes care of the bad and the ugly! Moving on to the good.....

My oldest daughter Shelbie will be 15 on Sunday. We're having her party tonight. My house will be full of teenage girls! *SQUEEEE* *OhEmGEE!!* and all that stuff! We're having a bonfire and pizza (that's what she wanted, whatever!). Hopefully I will still have a little bit of sanity left when it's all over!

The weekend will be a busy one; church play practice, parades, Christmas lights tours, our church's Christmas program, making crafts, baking, etc. Possibly even seeing my parents, who I haven't spent time in with in months, but that's a whole 'nother blog post.

Oh, and? Almost all of my Christmas shopping still has to be done.

I am SO glad John loves shopping and will help me with all of it!

Then on Sunday evening, the kids will go to their Dad's and be gone for a whole week. *sniffle*

Anyway! Back to the Good! This is the first year in probably 8 or 9 years that my family has been unable to choose a name from the Angel Tree and buy gifts for a child or family in need. I still planned to but as Christmas came closer, I realized there's just no way to do it. I did give Shelbie money to fill a shoebox for a program with the youth group, and we still put change in the Salvation Army buckets, and I resigned myself to that being as much as we could do this year.

How is this good, you ask? Because of OHmommy, that's why. OHmommy and her worms, manure, and crabs. Seriously. Check it out. Through OxFam, OHmommy gave away "a card that announces you purchased a school desk and chair, in your recipient's honor".

And guess who won? ME! My family. I am so happy! We couldn't do much this year, but through OHmommy & OxFam, we're doing something wonderful, that will make a big difference to someone in need.

I hope you all have a fantastic weekend, and don't lose your mind in the holiday rush! Relax and enjoy yourselves. And give yourself a break! You're running around like a crazy person and kicking yourself for not having everything done. RELAX. There's only one of you, and you know what? You're doing a GREAT JOB.

Oh um, one more tiny little thing. I honestly don't usually pay a lot of attention to my follower numbers, but lately it's been hovering just under 400 and it's driving me batty! If you're not a follower, if you would take 5 seconds and follow me and get me over that 400 mark, I will follow you back AND love you forever!

Please visit Mrs 4444's for more Fragments!

ETA: Crap! 3rd week in and I forgot to post my Song of the Week. The first thing that came to mind is this gem, another one from Miranda Lambert. (although Gunpowder & Lead is another good one of hers, as well. Just saying.)