4.28.2011

Waiting to Breathe

I feel like I am holding my breath, waiting to let it out, waiting, waiting....

I'm waiting for a lot of things; my birthday, Mother's Day, my son's high school graduation, summer vacation, my niece's wedding......

But that's not what has me waiting to breathe.

I can feel the tension in my neck and in my back, the tightness in my chest. From stress. From being wound so tightly.

I am waiting.

I'm waiting to see what the Judge is going to decide about Andrew's BM. Will she continue to have chances to assert her "parental rights"? He is emotionally and physically affected by what's going on with her right now. He is going through more than any child should have to go through. It's painful to watch.

And that's not all I'm waiting for.

My daughter Elayna has been having chronic headaches. They have become more and more frequent, and then she began having dizzy spells that would last for hours and cause her to have to lie down and rest, sometimes for hours. They have affected her life. I thought perhaps it was her vision, maybe she just needed glasses. But she saw her pediatrician last week and her vision is 20/20. Her doctor suspects migraines, but because of her family history, she has ordered an MRI. Because my son, Elayna's brother, has Chiari Malformation, and her symptoms are very similar to his.

I'm waiting.

I'm waiting for the phone call to tell me when her MRI will be.

Then I'll be waiting for the results. To see if my world is going to come crashing down yet again.

I try to keep myself busy, my mind occupied, so I am not obsessively worrying.

I am watching my two youngest children hurt; one emotionally, one physically. And waiting to see if there is anything I can do to help either of them; to ease their pain.

I wish I could take the pain away from both of them and make it mine.

My breaths are quick and shallow. Because I can't really breathe; not until I have answers. Not until I know.





16 comments:

Tina said...

I just happened across your blog from Me Lil Irish Thots. I've enjoyed reading your blog and will be back to read more. I'll be praying for the situation with Andrew (my son just dealt with the same thing), for your daughter Elayna and for you!
You have a new follower!

Erin said...

Aww Cyndy, I am so sorry for all the stress you have going on! Easier said than done to say take it easy. But don't forget to take care of you, because you can't take care of anyone else if you can't take care of you!

I will be sending some wonderful thoughts and heartfelt prayers your way.
And I'll be throwing daggers of death in the way of the BM! =) Is that wrong?

shortmama said...

Youre in my prayers!

C said...

this is one of those times when you must give your fears and worries to god, you are doing all you can and the rest is his to handle. stressing like this, hon, will not change any outcomes. you need to rest up for whatever you will have to face in the near future. if you dont rest up, let go of the stress, and find a way to rejuvenate yourself, you will not be able to help your kids when they need you. trust me, i have been there, for different situations, nonetheless just as stressful. also, take one thing at a time. try not to be overwhelmed by looking at the big picture right now. please think about this. also andrews bowel movement wont have a chance to get him... no freaking way. she doesnt deserve a hair off his head. i know you have the faith... but in times like these we can forget to rely on it. i'm guilty of it too. everything will work out the way it is supposed to, and it will be ok. hugs. :)

April said...

Waiting is often the worst part! If you're like me, you want answers NOW...patience is definitely not one of my stronger suits. Just know that I'm keeping you in my prayers during this trying and difficult time. Keep the faith, Cyndy!

Amy said...

I know how you feel, Cyndy... the waiting is almost worse than any resolution could possibly be. I'm thinking of you and praying for your family.

Tara R. said...

I am so sorry for what your kiddos are going through, and that you are having to just wait for answers.

I hope when those answers do come, it's all good news.

Brandy@YDK said...

oh no - i'm really sorry. try to stay strong.

Melani said...

I am sorry your going thru so much right now. I will keep you and your children in my prayers. Keep us posted on all things.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

I am here for you waiting along with you. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Boobies said...

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this...It has to sit heavy on you...sending good thoughts your way sweetie!

Your kiddos are precious, by the way.

Myya said...

Uggghhh my heart breaks for you having so much on your plate. My thoughts & prayers continue to be with you.

C said...

i also wanted to say that WAITING is a verb... so there is still action somewhere in there.

upinthecosmos said...

Sorry to hear what you're waiting for and what you all are going through. I don't have kids and part of it is fear of the waiting type moments. I wish you all the best. Stop in & read Ying and Yang of Feelings

Kimberly said...

Waiting is so hard. I get agitated too. I wish wish wish I could ease the worries for you.

Mrs4444 said...

Oh, Hon....Sorry to hear you're going through this. Hoping it's "just" migraines.

Breathe....

...And thanks for linking this up. I'll keep you all in my prayers.