3.21.2010

What the French, Toast?!

In my quest for self-improvement, one thing I've been doing is trying to clean up my potty mouth. Among other reasons, we attend church and church-related functions often, and I really don't want to slip up. An ill-timed "Holy Sh*t!" could really cause me some embarrassment.
So I've been doing better. I've replaced "bitch" with "beast" and try to say something like "goober!" to people who cut me off in traffic. (I also really like "douche canoe", which I borrowed from The Bloggess, but it's not exactly G-rated either....)
Oh, and I absolutely LOVE the alternatives offered in the Orbit gum commercial, like "You Hoboken!" and "Son of a biscuit-eating bulldog!"




But my dilemma is this: M*ther F*cker.
No, I'm not calling you a M*ther F*cker. But that's the word/phrase that gives me trouble.
There is just no good substitute for a well-placed MoFo. Nothing else delivers the same satisfaction. Let's face it; "Pickle you, kumquat!" just doesn't pack the same punch.
I'm at a loss! Even Elayna's lame attempts at cursing when she was only two years old, while hilarious, don't quite work: "Holy Mofo!" and "Oh.My.SH*T!" crack me up every time, but aren't quite the same as good old M*ther F*cker.
The only thing that comes close is the memory of my best friend's young daughter's Emergency Room tirade. While getting a nasty cut stitched up when she was two years old, she screamed throughout the ER: "Muddah Puckaaahhh! Muddah Puckaaaahhh beeeeeaaaaaaccccchhhh!"
Maybe I'll try that next time.....

21 comments:

Tara R. said...

I use Lint Licker and Cootie Queen a lot... I worry about my potty mouth cuz my teen is getting very bold with his own language.

Danielle said...

i HAVE SUCH a potty mouth. We recently started back in church, and I am trying to clean it up too.

Lint Licker is my favorite; but you are right. Nothing better than a good ol Mother F*cker.

Just Breathe said...

That commercial is too funny. I use f*ck allot when I get mad. It's our 28 year old daughter who has the potty mouth. Good luck.

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

Hi My name is Semi-Slacker & I have a potty mouth. SOB is my personal fave, which I do sub with biscuit-eater (w/o the bulldog). But I'm loving "what the french toast"!

Frugal Vicki said...

I love the french toast. Funny you post this today, my hubby was just telling me that he noticed since I started blogging I say mother blogger. I didn't even realize it.

Amethyst Moon said...

I love that commercial! My fave term is B*tches and F'n Hos

Jenners said...

I need to see that commercial!!!

And I love the 2-year-old's cursing!!! So cute! (Is that wrong?)

And we've cleaned up our potty mouths around our son ... now he curses by saying "Shhhhhh...ugar!"

Myya said...

You beat me at the #1 comment spot on Shortmama's post so naturally I had to come check out my competition... this post was HILARIOUS!!! I too have a potty mouth. My husband is way worse so that of course makes me feel better about mine! :)

Amanda said...

I was in my room tonight and heard my 2 1/2 year old in her room say, "Shit!"

That word is my downfall! I say it ALL the time!!

Hope all is well with you ~ I'm sorry I have been the WORST bloggity friend lately lol, but life has gotten INSANELY BUSY! And P.S... I got rid of the Blackberry for a DROID so I'm no longer on your BBIM list.

Naughty Mommy said...

I use the F word and Sh*t a lot. Other than that it's poopycock and hornswaggle. Yes I use those two words, to cuss. At least since my daughters been born.

Givinya De Elba said...

I totally understand where you're coming from! I'm a churchish type of gal myself and am trying to clean up my language but wow I LOVED that 2 year old's Muddah Puckaaaah Beeaach!

Thanks for saying you liked my new look at Killing A Fly! Too cool.

parentingBYdummies said...

Dude. That is hilarious. My worst one is douche bag (in all of its manifestations) and as my 2 year old screamed it out the window to a bad driver who sorta deserved it the other day, I'm thinking I should think about exploring other options!

bluecottonmemory said...

I used to worry that my son's would go to church and say, 'Damn it all to hell." I'm pretty good until I get in the car. Then I morph into a different person. Especially when people reduce my time cushion (when you're managing 4 sons schedules, the slow driver in front of me drives me nuts LOL). My teenagers love to call me out on this and are hilarious, leaving me red-faced. However, I was so disappointed when my daughter in law pointed out that "Babushka" which I used for butt really meant "grandmother." That really deflated me - I really liked that word for anger verbage! Ah, the language in the parenting world!

Beth said...

That is a hoot! Not really something I have had to struggle with ... well ... driving some times brings out the worst in me. (blush) But this reminded me of a funny story ... a dear friend of mine was at a men's retreat and they asked him to lead a prayer. Everyone was quiet as he waited a moment to gather his thoughts. He then began with a very pious "Heavenly Father," at which point a bee stung him on the nose and he yelled "Damn It!" LOL ... He's yet to live that one down. Our pastor thought it was hysterical!

Twincerely,Olga said...

OMG cracked me up!! stopping by SITs! I have cleaned up mine pretty good but there are times it all goes Bye bye!! Ther is noo substitute for Mother%$^ker!!!stop on By!!

tds said...

Visiting from SITS...anything to do with a potty mouth & I'm there! I'm with you...giving up F*ck or Sh*t is the hardest because there's not a great substitute. I say "God Bless America" and "Son of a Beehive" a lot. ;-)

The Grasshoppa:Triplets Plus Two Momma said...

I am over her laughing MY ASS OFF. And please don't tell anyone..but I totally have the worst potty mouth EVER. I blame it on the tribe of kids that I have accumulated in a very short period of time. It's either that or they are going to wrap me up and take me to the wacky ranch.

I will work on the Mother F*cker thing for you...but I'm not making any promises.

Now I just love you even more :)

Shannon said...

I love that commercial. I've been known to use "son of a biscuit!" and "what the french, toast?" from time to time.

Jenny said...

I haven't seen that commercial. I cleaned up my mouth some years back when I started babysitting Grands. I've been known to let out a mean "holy cats!" though! Funny post.

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

Ha! I worked at a golf course my entire life and picked up a few words along the way. I can swear like a drunken sailor and until my little one started talking, I referred to our German SHepherd puppy at Mother Fucker all of the time. I could not hold it back he just made me SO mad, it just came out!

Then one day when she told daddy that Jack was being a "Mother Fucker" while he was at work, I knew I had to stop!

SOmetimes I just mouth it and that gets my frustration out!!!

Mrs4444 said...

Oh, man--I love Muddah Puckah!! Good luck with that :)