In my quest for self-improvement, one thing I've been doing is trying to clean up my potty mouth. Among other reasons, we attend church and church-related functions often, and I really don't want to slip up. An ill-timed "Holy Sh*t!" could really cause me some embarrassment.
So I've been doing better. I've replaced "bitch" with "beast" and try to say something like "goober!" to people who cut me off in traffic. (I also really like "douche canoe", which I borrowed from The Bloggess, but it's not exactly G-rated either....)
Oh, and I absolutely LOVE the alternatives offered in the Orbit gum commercial, like "You Hoboken!" and "Son of a biscuit-eating bulldog!"
But my dilemma is this: M*ther F*cker.
No, I'm not calling you a M*ther F*cker. But that's the word/phrase that gives me trouble.
There is just no good substitute for a well-placed MoFo. Nothing else delivers the same satisfaction. Let's face it; "Pickle you, kumquat!" just doesn't pack the same punch.
I'm at a loss! Even Elayna's lame attempts at cursing when she was only two years old, while hilarious, don't quite work: "Holy Mofo!" and "Oh.My.SH*T!" crack me up every time, but aren't quite the same as good old M*ther F*cker.
The only thing that comes close is the memory of my best friend's young daughter's Emergency Room tirade. While getting a nasty cut stitched up when she was two years old, she screamed throughout the ER: "Muddah Puckaaahhh! Muddah Puckaaaahhh beeeeeaaaaaaccccchhhh!"
Maybe I'll try that next time.....