DysFUNctional Holiday Letters

You know those annoying nice, newsy letters you get every Holiday season? The ones from people you barely know and rarely see, bragging about their kids' accomplishments and telling you details of their life that you really don't care about?
Well, now....there's a DysFUNctional version. And naturally, it totally belongs on MY blog.

Go write your own version of a DysFUNctional Holiday Letter. If nothing else, it'll reduce some stress and maybe make you laugh!

Here's mine:

Dear Dumbass,

I just wanted to let you know that you have completely pissed on my life.

If you had half a brain you would be dangerous.

I have had shock therapy to try to forget your existence because you have manipulated me one too many times.

I have often looked the other way, which makes me almost as dumb as you.

This time you have hit an all time low, even for you.

I have never shirked my responsibility to tell you that you are a bonehead loser.

You would be so much better off if you would just lay off of the hooch!

You must be the product of inbreeding.

You are EVIL!

It is time for you to stop being a leech.

Let this also serve as notice that all future visits have been cancelled as I would rather claw out my eyes than see you.

Piss off you total psycho,

PS: Please do not reply back, there is a restraining order against you.

I need time to report your whereabouts to the repo man.


♥ Becky ♥ said...

That cracks me up!!!! I can think of a few people that I would love to send that letter to. :-)

Sue said...

Oh my. We don't ever get newsletters. I wrote one once, because people from out of town kept pestering us "Whatcha been doing all year." Maybe I did it wrong, because they complained about it later. I didn't brag, though.

I have never done one again. Last time somebody asked Josh he answered, "Give us a call once in a while so we don't have to sum it up at the holidays." and that was the end of it.

Far From Perfect said...

I might seed that to a few "PERFECT" families I know..tee hee

Keeper of the Skies Wife said...

Thats great!

My husbands cousin does one of those and brags and brags about her family....it is SO annoying to me.

Mrs4444 said...

Did you ever read my post about my husband doing this? Well, he hung up the phone with a guy he couldn't stand and then proceeded to spew every insult he could think of about the guy to me and my son. Several minutes later, we heard a click on the phone; the guy had heard the WHOLE thing. (We know this, because he called another phone and told us we might want to hang up the line.) Wow.

Jennifer said...

LOL--Now that's a fun Christmas letter!!

Tara R. said...

Awesome! I have a couple of these I could send. Hmmm?

Kel said...

omg - that is funny and completely fitting after the week i just had. I think you're on to something here!

Christine said...

Oh my, I'm blushing. Is there a toned down version? :)

Jo-Jo said...

Oh can I send a copy of this to my hubby ex? Can I? Can I? Can I please? Pretty please with suger on top?

iMommy said...

Damn, this sounds like my step=father-in-law.

Except he doesn't even need the booze.

Lauren said...

That's funny...but seems rather mean coming from your blog. You're always so sweet. :)

Jen - Queen of Poo said...

LOL! Oh, I could just borrow yours to send to a person or two. It's perfect!

Rhea said...

hehe You know, I should totally go the joke route and send out a holiday letter that makes fun of my family...

VanDerHoekArt said...

Great letter!

I'd forgotten about those holiday letters that will arrive soon. There's always a price to pay for the holiday fun. I've gotten a few weird ones over the years though, where family members hint that something in their lives didn't go very well but the never come right out and say what happened.

Tiaras and Tantrums said...

who's the dumbass?? ha ha!!

Paige said...

Oh my, this is hysterical. I have a long lost aunt who sends us a holiday newsletter every year.

Her children sound just amazing and employers BEG them and their spouses to work with them. They are community leaders, travel, are wealthy and the list goes on.

My sister and I have fun translating it every year. : )

I would so love to send a letter like yours. : )