8.18.2010

Through His Eyes



Most of you see this picture the way it appears on top.
But my oldest son, Tim, sees it as it appears on the bottom.

That's because he is color blind.
Now before I go on, I realize that there are far worse things in life than color blindness.
My son had brain surgery. So, I get that, trust me.

My dad is color blind, so I grow up aware of that, but honestly, I thought little of it. My dad didn't make a big deal of it. I also knew that it passed from father, to daughter, to her sons. I didn't think much of that either.
But I suspected early on that my son was, indeed, color blind. He is a very smart kid. Even at a very young age, he would blow our minds with his intelligence. So when he had trouble learning his colors, I was immediately concerned. But at first, the doctors kind of blew me off; he was too young to really be diagnosed. They thought he just had trouble learning his colors.
I knew better. And in time, the doctors and school realized that I was right. He was definitely color blind.
As a mother, I think about it far more than I did as a daughter. I think of all the things that I can see, that my son cannot see. When he asks me what color something is, I feel a little squeeze of pain in my heart. That literal ache. I wish I could take his color blindness away, and let him see what I see. I literally would happily give him my color vision and be color blind for the rest of my life. I've seen plenty. I want him to see it now.
At home, we laugh and joke about it. But inside, I am hurting.
He brushes it off. He would not want to know the pain it causes me. I guess you can't miss what you've never had. He doesn't make a big deal of it at all.
Color blindness is strange. He can recognize some colors perfectly. And there are some colors that he sees better in different lighting. But I'll never truly know what exactly he sees, and the way that he sees them.
I want him to see the beautiful colors of a sunset. I want him to know what color his car really is. I want him to know the true color of his girlfriend's eyes. There are so many beautiful things in the world that he will never fully see.
And as a mother, it breaks my heart.







For more Pour Your Heart Out Posts, visit Shell at Things I Can't Say.



32 comments:

Christine Macdonald said...

What a fantastic post. I've missed you!
xxoo
Kiki

shortmama said...

Beautiful! No matter what it is caused from, how minor or major...we all want to take any suffering from our children

Erin said...

I think my oldest is color blind. He only gets a few colors right when we are looking at something. And you are right, I, as a mom, want him to see all the colors life has to offer, and I never put it into perspective as to what he really isn't seeing!!

Awesome post!

Seizing My Day said...

my little man sees at 20/200 ... he can not see things that we all see passing by us through our car windows... he can not see many stars in the sky... he can not see me in a small crowded room.. I get that ache you talk about... ALL. The. Time! *sigh* but I am grateful he can see my face and my look into my eyes... most of the time I try to choose joy over sadness ;)

Lisa said...

I've only ever known one color blind person, and I was too embarrassed to ask him about how he saw things - the picture you posted is enlightening. Perhaps to make up for his lack of color vision, he received extra intelligence? I don't have children, so I can't say I *know* how you feel, but I have an idea and I am sorry you are going through that!

C said...

your son is beautiful!!! maybe someday they will find a way to correct color blindness... i pray...

HeartBabyHome said...

I think a mom just knows. I think it's OK to mourn the little things as long as you don't dwell on them too long. What is your son's favorite color?

Kate Collings said...

They do say a mother knows best and that certainly rang true with you didnt it.

It must be extreamly difficult to express your feelings of sadness but you have described it beautifully here.

I think your son is a very handsome young man and I'm sure if you asked him to describe the beautiful sights in the world he would 1st describe you, his mother, and then tell you of everything else. After all he can still see he just sees a little differently to you and I.

Take care
Kate Collings
xx

www.katecollings.blogspot.com

Rebecca Jo said...

There is a teen in our youth group that is color blind & it always amazes me... I ask him so many questions all the time about it... & I'm constantly asking, "What color does this look like to you?" - I cant even imagine what the world looks like through those eyes.

Shell said...

What a beautiful post! I think we always want our kids to have the best of everything and not to have any additional struggles, so of course this hurts you. :(

Thanks for linking up!

Twisted Fencepost said...

I can relate to this. Not the color blind part, but the vision part. My oldest inherited his father's bad eyesight. What I wouldn't give to be able to fix his sight so he could see with more clarity.

Tiaras said...

awww - you are an awesome mom! poor little dude!

Tylaine said...

That is sad. I can feel your pain as a mom. Anything negative, no matter how small it may be, that our child has to go through is painful for a mom and we wish we could just take it away.

Kat said...

I think sometimes things like this are more difficult for the parent than the child. Kids are so incredibly adaptable. And like you said, he doesn't miss what he has never had. But I certainly understand your sadness over it. We always want our children to have everything they deserve, need, want, and more.

Lindsay-ann said...

Hi Cyndy
I have never actually thought about what it must be like to be color blind. Your post really made me think. That's so sad for your son but I know you will do your best to try to explain and describe the colors to him. Thanks for sharing this today.
Lindsay
x

Lindsay-ann said...

Hi Cyndy
I have never actually thought about what it must be like to be color blind. Your post really made me think. That's so sad for your son but I know you will do your best to try to explain and describe the colors to him. Thanks for sharing this today.
Lindsay
x

Sarah said...

That's rough but it sounds like you are handling it fantastically. I can't imagine how hard that would be, especially knowing that he doesn't see everything you do. He is very blessed to have a mom like you though! :)

Tara R. said...

No matter how much, or how little, control we have over what happens with our children, we as moms carry an enormous burden of guilt.

I totally understand...

Brandy said...

I'm so sorry. yes there are worse things but as moms we want a perfect life for our children.

Mothers' Hideaway said...

I totally understand. It's those things that you can not control that you want to control the most. *hug*

The Crazy Coxes said...

What a beautiful post. Don't you wish that you could take all the pain and anguish and angst away from your kids' lives, so they didn't have to go through anything hard? I can so relate. Thanks for sharing!

Kel said...

How sad for all the colors and amazing beautiful things he will not see fully. I can't even imagine how that hurts your heart, but I know that with you as his mother he will never fail to find the beauty in what he sees.
~K

Kerri said...

Does being color blind increase the abilities of his other senses like being blind does?

What a heartfelt post this is. It's so hard to feel loss for our children and being unable to change it for them.

Melani said...

Wow, what else can I say? As a mother I can totally relate to the heartbreak you are feeling.

Kim said...

This is such a beautiful, heart wrenching post.. I totally get it.. ((hugs))

He & Me + 3 said...

Wow the way you wrote this post truly makes my heart now hurt for all those that are color blind. I take so much for granted. I would truly miss seeing the beauty that is color. This post was so beautifully written, you are an awesome mom.

Bee and Rose said...

A beautiful post by a beautiful soul:) Always trust your mother's instinct...it will never fail you:)

Kmama said...

It is so hard to imagine what life would be like without color. I remember learning in drivers ed not only the colors of the stop lights, but the positions, for those that were color blind. It was my first real glimpse into what life might be like as a color blind individual.

I understand that pang of hurt you feel when your son asks you about colors. The same happens when my oldest wants to eat something he's allergic to. It's not fun...or fair.

As an aside...I LOVE when you leave me comments, but I can't respond to them via email (where I get my comments) because you are a "blogger no-reply" Don't know what that is?, or want to know how you can fix it? I wrote a post about it awhile ago. Here's the link:

http://thedailydribbles.blogspot.com/2010/04/loi-dear-blogger-no-reply.html

Kirby3131 said...

I always thought it was so odd that it's prominently a boy thing to be colorblind. I've found it just fascinating that a person could see some colors but not all.

I'm sorry that it hurts you to know of his limited color palette, but honey, we all have something not right about us!

Kristin - The Goat

Gina F said...

What a awesome mom you are. This has got to be the most beautiful post that a mom can write about her loving son. I do feel your pain.

Gina
motherof1princessand2princes.blogspot.com

LceeL said...

My Uncle - my Mom's brother - was color blind, although I never knew it until after he died. It was never anything he let bother him.

During the Second World War, Uncle Al flew, in a plane, as an artillery spotter. In a little, two seater, Piper Cub. He didn't do the flying - he was just up there to look around - even though he HATED flying.

You see, his color blindness allowed him to see the camouflaged netting that the Germans used to hide their gun emplacements. To him, their netting stuck out like a sore thumb. So he flew. And he probably saved more than one American life, because the Germans couldn't hide from HIM.

Just Breathe said...

((HUGS)) I never gave it much thought, my father too is color blind. I don't believe I passed it on to my son, at 31 I guess I would know by now. I am sorry that you struggle with this. To him it is normal. I never thought it made a difference to my father.