Warning: Bad Words.  Sorry.

I have a phobia.  I've had it since I was very young.  I am deathly afraid of snakes.
I think that, as phobias go, it's a pretty reasonable one.  It's not, for example, a fear of aluminum foil. (no really, it's a thing.  I saw it on Maury.)
Aluminum foil cannot kill you.  As far as I know.
Snakes, however, can.
They can also try to kill your dogs.  But that is foreshadowing.

I can trace my phobia to its roots.  When I was very young, I stepped on a snake.  I was innocently walking into my house, minding my own business.  And in the brick pad in front of our door, a snake was hiding in the cracks.  I stepped on something squishy, looked down, and lost my shit.  Instead of running inside, I ran away.  I climbed a fence for the first time in my life, perched at the top and screamed for my daddy.  Bye-bye, snake.

Nightmares about snakes are a very common occurrence in my life.  I don't even like to see a picture of a snake.  They just terrify me.

Now, in case you're new here....I live in the woods.  I'm talking DEEP in the woods.  Very swampy woods.  I've lived here since December and until today, I had only seen one snake and it was dead.  Fine by me.  The only good snake is a dead snake.  (I'm truly sorry to any snake lovers.  I never asked for this phobia, nor do I control it.)

Even though we live in the middle of nowhere, we walk our dogs, they don't run loose.  One of those reasons is because of snakes.  So today, I was walking our two big dogs.  One on a leash, the other without a leash because he's usually very good about staying close and coming when called.

We had two storms this weekend so the woods are nice and wet and swampy.

So as we're walking down the long, muddy driveway, we encounter a snake.  I'm not sure what kind; I'm not a snake expert and I was not exactly in a detached, observational state.  I was in more of a FREAKING THE FUCK OUT state.  But there's a good chance it was a water moccasin.  Very poisonous snakes.  (I just bit the bullet and Wikipedia'd it.  IT WAS A MOCCASIN.  Shoot me now.)

The biggest dog, Patchy, walked RIGHT UP ON IT.  I pulled on him and his COLLAR SLID RIGHT OFF OF HIS NECK.  And the snake raised its head up in what I assume is an "I'm about to bite you" pose.
I had to get closer to the snake in order to pull Patchy away from it.  He finally backed away but Bo was on the OTHER side of the snake, exploring God-knows-what, and totally not listening to my cries for him to COME.  Finally, he came and thankfully, didn't notice the snake or get to close to it.  He's still a puppy and surely would have explored the neat moving thing in the road.

I raced inside, told Byron what happened, and then absolutely lost my shit.  Crying, snot everywhere, a little hyperventilating thrown in for good measure.

I knew it was only a matter of time before I encountered a snake here.  In fact, I stupidly thought that maybe after I finally saw one, I would calm down a bit.  Maybe the fear of seeing one was the worst part.  But what I didn't anticipate was that combined with seeing my first snake here, I would be desperately trying to save my beloved dogs from the snake.  It was a horrible combination.

So basically, I told you all of that to ask you this.

1. Do you know of any apartments for rent in the top floor of the highest building on the planet?

2. Is it true that there are no snakes in Ireland? How much is a one-way ticket there?

3. Do you have any phobias? Please share and make me feel a little better.


Debby@Just Breathe said...

I agree that the only good snake is a dead snake. I never encountered any until we moved into this house. We have what is know as a Gopher snake that looks like a rattlesnake and are not poisonous but I still don't want to see them!!! On one rare occasion we had a rattle snake. My fear is for my Skye. Your story scares me to death. I would be moving for sure. We now put Liquid Fence around our property line each Spring. It is safe for children and pets.

Amy said...

I use snake b gone around my chicken pen after encountering a 5 foot snake happily sitting in the nesting box with it's mouth around one of my precious eggs.

The only good snake is a dead one and I carry a 38 to make sure that if I encounter a rattler or moccasin that they end up that way quickly. Feel free to go get a pistol and shoot it. :)

Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

I wouldn't call my dislike of snakes a phobia, but I'm not a fan, which has resulted in some pretty amusing stories over the years. I might smell a blog post coming...

Rebecca Jo said...

I was cracking up... only because I understand. I am such a huge animal activist - but cant.not.stand.snakes!!!!!!!

My fear is just that - stepping on one not noticing it.

I was running the other day & a dead one was on the road - I still freaked out, screamed & ran around like it was strangling me.

so you're not alone.

Aleta said...

I'm proud of you for not loosing it until you got back, because I would have lost it right there in front of the snake! I'm getting chills just thinking about it!!

Jennifer said...

When I was four or five I almost stepped on a coral snake. I looked down and it was right between my feet. I froze and my momma had to pull me away from it while my aunt killed it. Then when I was about 10 I almost got bitten by a copperhead, and I have a cousin that actually did get bit by one. So yeah. I don't like snakes either. We had a dog once that would kill them. You would not even know they were there, but he would alert on them, pick them up in his jaws, whip them with his head, and snap their necks to kill them. I think he did it to protect us.

WicketsMom said...

I am also deathly afraid of snakes. When I was 12, my dog was bitten by a copperhead in our backyard and died. Last year, my five-year old found a (very small) snake INSIDE OUR HOUSE!! Total freak-out by Mommy, even though it was not a poisonous one. Yuck!!

Kimberly said...

I totally get you. I'm horribly terrified of spiders. Like I scan a room and it's corners before I walk in. I'm not even lying.
I'm also afraid of dead bodies (that stemmed from a creepy nursing school incident where I dead person literally sat up.)

Tami said...

Not to freak you out or anything… BUT… I found a snake slithering through the rock wall near my pond. I caught it by it's tail and took it back to the woods.

Now SPIDERS… that's a different story!!

Angie said...

We live out in the country (like in the sticks) so seeing snakes around here is very common. I don't like them but I'm not deathly afraid of them. My biggest fear is for my children playing outside and stepping on one. Especially my 2 year old who doesn't even really know what they are.

I do have other phobias though. I have a serious fear of High Winds! I can do rain, thunder and lightening but winds totally freak me out. I also have a major fear of mice. I'm not even kidding, I actually wrecked my car over one once. Really long story :)

AiringMyDirtyLaundry said...

I don't really like snakes either but spiders really freak me out.

I can deal with snakes if they aren't poisonous.

I don't want to deal with spiders no matter what. I don't care if it's harmless. Get it away.

Kat said...

Oh. My. Word. I'm not scared of snakes but that would have terrified me for my doggies. So glad they are ok. I thought you were gonna say something horrid happened to your dog. Whew!

I am SO AFRAID of sharks. It is a phobia. And it really makes NO SENSE since I do not like by an ocean. BUT, even if I am swimming in a pool (like at the YMCA) I'll be thinking, "What if there was a shark in here? How would I get out quickly?" I'm nuts. You should see me when I'm in the ocean. This past vacation Todd and I were playing in the waves in this area that was roped off and had buoys around it. I assumed (i don't know why) that there was a net going down from the rope to keep sharks out (i assume everyone is terrified of sharks like i am) but there wasn't. I nearly pooped my pants when I figured out that I'd been playing around in the ocean with zero protection from sharks.

in the coop said...

I used to be absolutely terrified of dogs. As in, if I came across one on a walk, I'd become paralyzed, just standing there with tears streaming down my face.
The cure was a move to the country where we needed a dog. Maybe you just need to get a pet snake? :)